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Did anyone do a 180 when they found out they were pregnant.I

 
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BABYPINK3



Joined: 26 Sep 2011
Posts: 29

PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:38 pm    Post subject: Did anyone do a 180 when they found out they were pregnant.I Reply with quote

Hi I'm new to this forum but I am so glad I came accross it. I just want to share my story and my feelings and hopefully someone can give me some guidance.

We have a DD who is 3.5 and a DS who is 10mths. so we have the "perfect pidgeon pair" we could have been done.... but in my mind I was always thinking do I want 1 more? I came from a family with the Pidgeon pair and although I got along with my brother when I was young I no longer talk to him anymore. I knew I always wished I had a sister. My DH is from a family of 4 and there is always a fun family get together.. I love it!! and theres lots of grandkids.

so when thinking about my perfect family i imagined myself with 2 girls and a boy. My daughter has said she really wants a sister so I looked into swaying the odds for a girl.
I then talked Dh into having a third and he reluctantly decided to do it. at first he said no way and it wasnt talked about for months and then actually in the end it was him to brought the topic up and said he'd do it.

so I started the girl diet rich in calcium and magnesium and ate food similar to when we concieved DD. we tried a few months of cut off with 3 days but didnt get pregnant. in the meantime my other 2 were becoming harder to handle. i was starting to wonder if we are really fit for 3. we tried again for one more month. with a 2 day cut off. in fact we didnt do it much that month beccause I was so unsure about it but i panicked and 2 days before ovulation thought better just do it. then we had a horrible week with the kids after O and I barely thought about it. in fact I was thinking I dont think I really want to try again for anymore 2 will be enough. I wasnt expecting to be pregnant but tested on 9DPO and well it was a clear positive.
I wanted to be excited like my other pregnancys. I was in total shock thinking what have I done? we had it so good with 2. the family was balanced, no there will be an odd one out.
Termination of the pregnancy did cross my mind for a second but I know deep in my heart I couldnt do that. that id regret it later in life. Then I thought I'd probaly just miscarriage anyway. but I'm 6 weeks now and i feel this is the strongest pregnancy I've had, my one of my other pregnancys with my DS I had spotting in the first 6 weeks.
When I spoke to my DH about how I was feeling he said he really didnt want 3 kids but he knew I did so that's why he agreed to it. he was a little shocked and angry that I was feeling this way.

So is it normal to feel like this? I just cant get excited about the pregnancy. I keep thinking baout all the things we cant do with 3 kids - like travel overseas, which is something I did alot of as a kid. and what if its not a girl.... I will be okay with it, but my DD will be gutted. I asked her about having another baby today, and she said she now doesnt want one.. ARRRH!

one thing I know for sure is if I do have a miscarriage I wont try for a third again. And If this bean really wants to be on board I will love it unconditionally but I cant get over the way I am feeling now I fear I will be like this the entire pregnancy...
ANY ADVICE.
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mommy2-2



Joined: 24 Jun 2011
Posts: 234

PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's a big hug! I'm sure the others here can help ease your mind and calm your fears. I can't give you any advice because I could have written your message, right down to the estranged brother and wanting a sister for DD...except for the positive test part! (We haven't gotten to the part where we are ready to try, or even not prevent...we're still struggling with the "do we/don't we" question).

I tend to be one to encourage others to take the leap, even when I am unsure, so I will try to encourage you. You are now pregnant with a wonderful little life...a little person who is obviously meant to be a part of your family. Take a deep breath and try to wrap your brain around it. Maybe stop the "planning" part of it and try to just "be" and revel in the beauty of being a part of a "bonus" miracle! =0)
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mtchen79



Joined: 20 Sep 2010
Posts: 37

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 12:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think your feelings are normal. I couldn't move on with life until DH agreed to have a third child and then it was exciting to find out I was pregnant, I felt like life was complete, or going to be complete.

Now, as I am getting close to the third trimester, all I do is feel tired and exhausted and this is my most uncomfortable pregnancy. I look at my 2 sweet DDs and wonder where in this thought process did I think having a 3rd was such a splendid idea. Getting them to school will be that much harder, esp when I have 1 each in elem, middle and high school. Really, the thought of all the chaos is overwhelming...however, despite all of my doubts, if I weren't pregnant with this one, I would never know that I was done with this and now I know and that alone brings me contentment.

It's hard to not feel overwhelmed or second guess yourself, but I do remember how each time I met my daughters for the first time, there was no looking back and how did I ever imagine my life without them, so this third child will be the same, despite everything, and I do look forward to that. In the meantime, I am excited, but in a much more cautious and toned down way, where I am just enjoying my 2 DDs for the time being until I get busy with a newborn again. However, the girls are very excited about a new baby and I can't wait to see them as big sisters.
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RockyMtnMom



Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Posts: 391

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are, but so many people seem to have had that "Oh my goodness, what have we done?" feeling when first pregnant with their 3rd child. I think it's just a fear of the unknown. As another poster stated, don't think too far into the future, just focus on the fact that you have a LIFE growing inside you, one that is already part of your family even though you haven't met him or her yet. Try to imagine what he or she might look like and maybe you'll feel more connected. Understand too that not all sibling relationships are the same. Just because you're estranged from your brother doesn't mean your children will end up in the same boat. Also...who says you can't travel with 3 kids? Traveling internationally with a newborn wouldn't be my idea of a good time, but once he/she is a bit older...why not? Hang in there! Think positive and realize you have been given a real blessing. Hugs to you!
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Pepper100



Joined: 12 Jan 2009
Posts: 142
Location: Hull, England

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 10:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I actually only ever wanted 2 children and so did DH as we were one of 2 as well. We both have sisters. DH is friendly with his sister and they see each other regularly but me and my sister are extremely close, tell each other things and spend lots of time together etc.

I have a DD who is 7.5 and a DS who is 3.5. I also worried about the fact that they wouldn't be as close because they are a different sex.

I took 2.5 years to convince DH that 3 was a good idea and 2 m/c's and a full year later, I am 12 weeks pg with no3.

I do sometimes think that if I get a girl, DS will be left out and if I have a boy it will be DD left out but as time has gone on, people have pointed out things to me and as a previous post said, just because they are the same sex does not mean that they will be close.

My mum was 11 years younger than her brother and only 3 years younger than her sister. Her and her brother are thick as thieves even though he lives 300 miles away and her and her sister although are friends, are not very close at all. They live in the same town.

My best friend is, like me, one of 2 girls and her and her sister are not close at all. In fact sometimes they don't like each other much.

What I guess I am trying to say is that we never know what is going to happen, whether this is the best or worst decision we have made. But fate has decided and in my mind, that means that the person growing in each of us is meant to be.

Sometimes when I have had a bad day, I think about how I will manage with 3. My DS has had a hearing problem which has cleared up now but he is still way behind in his development (about a year behind). He starts school next September and can't talk properly yet. Because he is behind with his development, he is a little harder to handle than most 3.5 year olds. I have to keep hold of him or he will just run off probably into a road. I do worry about dealing with him and a newborn but I know that once this little one is born, everything will fall into place.

Good luck and I hope you can start to enjoy your little miracle.
xx
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melicovas



Joined: 05 Nov 2007
Posts: 145
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 2:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dont feel guilty or weird about your feelings.. I bet you will get excited as time goes on. Having 3 kiddos is a great experience. Not easy but really cool.
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wyowyome



Joined: 01 Apr 2010
Posts: 319
Location: WY

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well.. I sure hope the feelings are normal because I have been navigating the same ones since I got my BFP in March...

It really was an "oh no... what have we done?" moment. Then the HORRIBLE m/s started and I just wanted it to all go away. Maybe I'd miscarry and we'd never have to do this again? I was feeling guilty about missing out on my boys' lives ALREADY as I was stuck in bed, and I was only 7 weeks...

The hesitation hasn't completely gone away. I still worry about how I have affected our family of 4 dynamic- and with my boys being 6 & 8, how will the age difference work out, etc..? This pg has been tough on me-so the boys have also suffered for that.

But... now at 33 weeks, it IS becoming a reality. I went through the motions of getting a room ready, etc... and it never did feel real, but when I see her on the scans or notice her waking patterns at night, etc. now, she is becoming real- and if anything went wrong for her, I know my maternal instinct would kick in just as strongly as it did for both my ds.

She is coming and she will be loved. She will fit in somewhere around here... and we won't have regrets. I do think it's just harder w/ the 3rd because it IS such a difficult decision... so you doubt yourself to the end!?

Good luck! Your feelings are normal and you will work through them. Congrats- and enjoy whatever parts you can of pg (: I'm sure trying... but I'm just not a glowing pg person....
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anything you can do with 2 kids, you can do with 3. Honest! The baby/toddler stage goes fast, and then you will have a blast with 3 kids. Your family will be balanced again. You just have to hit a groove and work out your new normal. My three girls are 8.5, 7, and 4 and they truly are three little peas in a pod. They are each others' best friends. I couldn't imagine our family without the three of them. I always tell them that my first child is special because she made me a mom. My second child is special because she really made us feel like a family, rather than just a couple with a child. My third child is special because she brought a sense of completeness to us. There are so many relationships to watch develop among three kids...it really is breathtaking to watch.

<<Hugs>>...give yourself time to get used to the idea of three kids. I'm sure once the baby is here, you'll wonder why you worried so much! Now that my kids are getting older and more independent, we have SO MUCH FUN!!!
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey I felt that way with ALL my pregnancies and I was the one ttc for 3 years with my DH for son number 1! I should have felt happy and strangely ending the pregnancy at times seemed so attractive at times, that thought also sadly crossed my mind. Though of coarse that was never an option, but the thought brought some kind of comfort to a girl like me who was struggling so hard emotionally. I felt lost, confused, afraid and freaked out so bad that at times I wondered why and then I felt really guilty. I also felt very sad that I should be happy but deep down I regretted having kids at all. In the end, I realized I just was the kind of person who needed TIME to adjust to it all, to process what my new normal would be, to know that the unknown would in the end be right after all the fears, worries and anxieties were understood. My advice to you is to give yourself time to wrap your mind around what is happening in your life. The fears of being somehow trapped by my children (not being able to sleep, or travel or do fun things anymore, etc.) weighed on me heavily. I had to adjust and that for me took a long time. Today, I STILL freak out about things, even when I had my foster son briefly I felt the same way...so this again confirms to me what I already know, that I just am the kind of person who needs time to get used to things. For me, I just am learning to give myself "time" in every life changing event in my life. I realize that my angry feelings, fears, doubts and yes even frustration and sadness comes with every new unknown I branch out too. Everyone of us are different and process our choices and actions differently. My Mom had 8 pregnancies, (5 kids, 1 stillborn, and 2 m/c) and she NEVER felt the way I did...so of coarse when I had these awful feelings towards pregnancy, Motherhood and kids in general she felt I was wrong for feeling the way I did, but It was the way I felt....our differing ways of dealing taught me that each person really reacts individually and the way one person feels will not be the way you feel. Just show yourself a lot of understanding and grieving the loss of what IS known, your life HOW it is today is ok.....I found doing that has always helped me. Allowing myself to feel however I wanted to feel and truly FEEL those feelings gave me the opportunity to face whatever thoughts I had, head one. Because while those feelings seemed so wrong, so selfish as if the baby growing inside of me really wasn't wanted, but that really was not true. The babies I had were SO wanted and are wanted, even today more then ever. BUT, the truth I found in the regretting was inside of me and once I faced those feelings, processed them, turned them over in my mind, adjusted and thought and felt it all out, in time I immediately felt better. Good Luck to you and God Bless!
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BABYPINK3



Joined: 26 Sep 2011
Posts: 29

PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you everyone. I'm starting to warm to the idea. I am having my first scan tomorrow so I guess it will all start to feel real.

I'm trying to focus on the positives of having 3 kids and in a way this has given me some direction in life at time I was coming to a fork whether to have a career or not... I am just going to be a mum, something I am pretty good at and dedicated to.

I've had a good few days without MS and even had a few naps during the day and that has made a big difference.
I'm leaving it in the hands of fate and will be happy with whatever the outcome... I am still nervous and I dont think that feeling will ever go away even after the baby's birth.
Thanks for everyones support and feel free to add anything to this post.
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey that feeling for me didn't go away after baby's birth either....but it did lessen and get better after awhile and once my baby was finally a toddler...I felt so much better. My perspective was that a baby tied me down, while a toddler didn't. My mind became so much more free and open the minute I felt I could talk and interact with my now, little child...it became so easy for me to feel an immediate relationship with a little person rather then a tiny baby. That's my breakthrough moment.....I am a Mommy of a "person" with his own personality and interests, gifts and it was fun to discover WHO this child was becoming. WHY even today, my absolute deep desire is to again parent a toddler, but I try to remember IF I would ever have/adopt another "baby" that this stage does pass quickly and I, again will get to have that relationship with a child....that helps me tremendously. God Bless!
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am interested in your comment that you were coming to a fork in the road trying to decide if you would have a career or "just" be a mom. You still have that same choice whether you have 2 or 3 kids. My youngest is in preschool, and just this fall I started back to college for a complete career change! I haven't been employed since dd1 came home 8 years ago. I had gone to college and finished a master's and had a good career before I became a SAHM, but I hated the career I had (computers). I decided that if/when I ever returned to work, it would be in a field I love. So I have begun taking classes toward my lifelong dream of music. I hope to finish a bachelor's and masters and then teach private lessons and college courses. It feels like a pipe dream, but I will just take one semester at a time and see what happens. Sometimes we moms have to find ourselves...regardless of how many little people need us! :)
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mommy2-2



Joined: 24 Jun 2011
Posts: 234

PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 9:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

walkbyfaith,
You are an inspiration! I rarely let myself think about that time looming past "kid days" because I gave up a career (and have a Masters degree) in medicine, but don't wish to go back into clinical practice and after this many years it would be virtually impossible. Not sure what I WOULD want to go into, but, you really give some food for thought! Good for you!!!
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I so agree with you all....just because you are a Mom doesn't mean we all can't switch careers, do something different then we have in the past. I stayed home for way over 15 years before going back to a job at a department store part-time...I only have a 2 year college degree but have NEVER used it. I had wanted to continue on with college before I had kids, but honestly something always stopped me. I look back and know now HAD I continued towards a 4 year degree and beyond that I likely would have ended up with the wrong degree and STILL someday would need to go back, again anyways. Today, I know ME better and I am thankful that I trusted my instinct to wait. Plus, I believe today, these words....

"A job, a career will always be there when I want it...but I only have now to raise my kids, because they won't always be here....I can always get back into a job, but I got only one shot at raising my kids, there is no "re-do, but there will always be a re-do if I hate one job or career, I can go on to another"


At this point in my life I also too am at a crossroads....to begin to train for a new career as my boys are going to be 15 and 13 in October or still remain on the long, seemingly never ending path of adding another child somehow, someway. I had an epiphany moment if you will...the first one in probably a decade. I had a tooth worked on and it became wild with pain....almost 2 weeks of relentless agony that kept me awake. I was getting up every two hours and thought to myself...geez....at least if I were pregnant I'd be going through something to have a CHILD...this pain was for nothing in my mind. But, in the middle of the night while my face throbbed and I was exhausted I cried out to God that I just wanted to sleep. He told me to get a pen and paper and out I began to write what I SHOULD be doing with my life. It all became evident to me that I have been focusing on the wrong things in my life. I have been on this kick of simplicity lately, but still have not totally redone my life to match what I know God wants for me. It truly is a momentous moment when I really got in touch with what I wanted, how I wanted to live and what really mattered to me.

Sometimes in life, God will allow us to waver, and be confused with something or some part of our life to reveal his bigger picture for us. I realize more then ever that for me, I will likely someday change into a career that is fitness related....and I know that my main goal in my life and what for me, is right is to raise my kids, no matter how many or how little God gives me....every child is a blessing and with that I trust he knows how many I will have or not have. Just know, that crossroads are not just a change in how we live but how we feel..I believe now I will always take the narrow road, the hard road, the road less traveled because that is the RIGHT road. The road that is always wrong is the one that is easy, open and easily traveled. Nothing in life that is worth doing is ever easy and nothing in life that is easy is worth getting or achieving. God is good! :-)
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