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How do you let go?
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know what, I can't say I am an older Mom in my case...I ttc my first when I was 20...my DH and I have been together since I was 16. Many people including a wonderful teacher of mine tried to discourage me from marrying so young...but DH and I decided it was right for us and went for it. We eventually got pregnant, M/C and then went on to get pregnant again with our first son when I was 23 (DH has serious fertility problems..and was told he would NEVER have kids) I got pregnant again at 25...I expected to be DONE BY the AGE OF 25 with all my kids because I wanted to do what you are doing...get it all done and out of the way so I could get more education and enjoy life too. I got really sick after my youngest so ended up NOT having more kids. ALL these years I have regretted NOT having more kids when I WAS younger...as I did with my other 2 kids. I was ready at the age of 27 to adopt....DH was not. I chose not to ttc another child ONLY because of my health....my boys today are 13 and 15 yr old teens. I can't say I WAS an older MOM back then. As a matter of fact I was the only person in my circle of friends who had kids in their early 20's...my friends just FINALLY had kids just a few years back.

Fast forward, I STILL today want to have more kids, that has never changed EVER...IF I DO have another child TODAY...NOW I will be an older Mom. I Can tell you from my experience being 39....I agree its best to have kids as young as you want them..I do regret NOT doing that! On the other hand, again being MY age today, I also see the benefits of having one child later then the rest...while my boys will both fly the coop in a few years...I am NOT ready to be DONE...funny how time has changed My feelings.

In your case, I said it was nice that you are so young, because from my perspective I AM running out of time. For you, that is a positive..whether you go for it now or go for it later...that's all I meant to say. I don't think you are naive, you just know what you want and honestly if you feel so strongly you should go for it WHEN you want. I don't think their is anything wrong with that. I can also understand getting your body back, I had 3 abdominal surgeries, my gallbladder out at 14 with a massive 22 staple scar, and my boys-both c-sections....I have always told my DH that I wanted all 3 of my kids close age wise so I could have a tummy tuck (wasn't expecting a c-section and the pooch that comes with it...LOL). I also feel like it's been hard all these years thinking I have worked out to get my size 3 figure (109 pounds) and will have to give it up to ttc my 3rd IF I chose to take the leap. Not at all what I expected to do years back...so I DO understand your concerns. Like you, I am VERY active as well...I exercise, walk tons of miles a few times a week, I bicycle outside 200 miles a month and roller skate, our family has done Karate, and all kinds of other outdoor sports...NOT being a couch potato makes it even harder to think...ok IF I am going to have to ttc again I will have to give a lot of that up. And that's not to mention even my health issues that will take me another 2 years and likely another surgery on my thyroid to even recover from! Yiles! Geez....talking about all this stuff is making me feel even more sure I don't want to ttc.... :-)

But what I am saying is that I do understand HOW you feel....totally. I so enjoyed being a young Mom...and wish it could have been that way with all my kids. But I try to look at the positive side...I will have kids, if we did have just one more for all phases of my life and for me I have made peace with that. For you, if you want to do it all at one clip...go for it cause you won't regret it! Good Luck!
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mamajam



Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL, thanks for understanding! It is good not to feel like I'm totally crazy. As I was typing it, I was like (gosh this sounds probably very superficial), but it's true how I feel about getting my body back. Also it's good to see someone still with their DH and thinking about ttc later on after having had two as a "young mom"... One of the things that I think affected the way I felt during my pregnancies was the fact that we often got comments like "Oh, but you couldn't have WANTED this yet, you're so young! (@ 23)" or.. "Don't you guys wish you'dve waited?!"... I mean, I wish I'dve waited a semester or two b/c that would've made it easier for me to finish my credits...but in the long run we DID want kids and had discussed them, and we didn't want to wait until our 30s to have them. I think I would've had a better experience with my pregnancies if I'd have framed them as an "early blessing" instead of the bombshell-relationship-ruiner everyone expected them to be. I love my husband 10x more knowing what a great father he is to our girls...

I have a handful of friends my age who have children, but most of them are kids that they had as teens with a guy they didn't stay with. Pretty much myself, and one other friend have gotten married and made "families" of our unplanned pregnancies...so I can see how some might think age is a factor, but really I think it's a combination of maturity and having a good man (thank my lucky stars I got a good one right?). I have a friend who is 30 and planned to have a baby with her husband. He turned out to be a douchewad, got cold feet when the baby showed up and now she's getting divorced. They'd been married 8 years, backpacked through Europe together, had 2 dogs, planned the pregnancy the whole nine yards...
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It took a long time for me to learn to just get ear plugs and ignore comments from people. It is amazing just how great life can be when we do what is RIGHT for us. I heard all the comments from people...my DH was my first and ONLY boyfriend...I had people tell me why I didn't want to date more people...I was like I already found the right GUY...so why should I go look for someone else! MY DH has been devoted to me for 23 YEARS...he believes in treating me like a queen, talking to me for hours, nurturing and loving me everyday...telling me he loves me at least 20 times a day, we are best friends, we spend hours together everyday...he refuses to travel for work because he wants to be with me and refuses to spend time with "other guys", because he truly focuses his attention and time on me and our boys.

Just remember you are NOT crazy....while you are young, it IS a blessing..THIS is the time you get to choose how you want to live, and actually accomplish your goals,not just educationally but also to look and feel good..and don't feel you have to feel bad for wanting all of that. And even if you had your kids a little sooner, who cares....your kids were meant to be with YOU...and you were meant to have them WHEN you did. Always feel good about that and continue to be positive about your life and the family you are creating! God Bless!
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PS...After 23 years I can say....getting married at 20 and getting pregnant at 23 and 25 was not a Relationship ruiner...in fact for my DH and me..it was a wonderful experience and also VERY funny when people hear OUR ages and OUR KIDS ages today....DH and I look like we are easily 10-15 years younger..we are both petite and small framed.....people also are shocked when they hear how long we have been married! LOL I so enjoy MY LONG LONG history with my DH!
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2purpleflowers



Joined: 15 Jul 2007
Posts: 497
Location: Los Angeles

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="mamajam"]
I appreciate your response. I do have to say though, that I get tired of being told that I am so young and our relationship is unstable or yet to fully mature. We're not teens. I know amongst "older moms" 23 is young to have a child but even if I had've planned my daughter I wanted to have one around 25 anyways. (Not so far off, my timing). Also, I feel that if we're counting unplanned pregnancies and youthfulness as relationship handicaps, if anything two young married people surviving 2 unplanned pregnancies and having a happy thriving family should be a badge of stability within the relationship. We wouldnt've survived those first years if we weren't deeply in love and committed to keeping our family together. I thought... who knows, maybe I'm naive.
[/quote]

It sounds like I really did a poor job expressing myself here. If I came off sounding like an older mom telling you how young you are, and naive, and that I think your relationship is in trouble because you are young, then I'm sorry, because that was not my intention at all. Just so you know, I am 33 now, got married at 23, had my first child at 26, second at 28, and third at 30. Not a huge difference from where you stand. I wanted my kids young and I had them relatively young (though did manage to finish my masters degree first-- that was the deal). I wanted to be done by 30. I had my third at 30, thought I was done and had pretty much accomplished my goal, and now find myself wanting one more. That's what I mean when I talk about how things change. You really might not know right now what you will want later, so it's a good idea to keep your options open.

Also, my comment about your relationship with your DH has little to do with the stress its been through at a relatively young age (and I agree that having made it IS a sign that you two are committed and very in love!), but more to do with your comment that your DH not wanting more babies feels like a rejection of you. I'd say that sounds like you are not entirely secure in the relationship. It's more likely that he just feels like you two have very, very full lives (and you do) and that you've been through a lot (and you have) and that he'd like things to start getting easier now. That you are feeling like he's rejecting you by not wanting another child raised a red flag for me.

I do see your point in wanting to get back to school and finish your degree, and wanting to be done having babies when you do (and I think it's fantastic, not nuts at all!). But if your DH isn't willing, then rather than think that's it, game over, maybe you could go ahead with your school plans and then see what happens.

I do apologize if I came off as a judgmental old lady!
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mamajam



Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 5:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="2purpleflowers"]
I do see your point in wanting to get back to school and finish your degree, and wanting to be done having babies when you do (and I think it's fantastic, not nuts at all!). But if your DH isn't willing, then rather than think that's it, game over, maybe you could go ahead with your school plans and then see what happens.

I do apologize if I came off as a judgmental old lady![/quote]
I see your point way better now, thanks for clarifying! I am going to go ahead with life as planned (minus that third child) and see what happens. Today we were watching TV and there was a story on about adoption, and I said something to him by the way of perhaps adopting a third child one day. In the past he has been against this (saying things like, why would I adopt a child if we could just have our own?) but today he must've been thinking about my comment because later he said something to the effect of "I'm not against adopting, if it means you don't have to be pregnant again..."

That made me happy!

It's not the third child he's against having as much as him being afraid I'm going to turn into a raging depressed hormonal bitch.... again .
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