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Intro and my 3 dilemma!

 
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2Princesses



Joined: 23 Feb 2012
Posts: 14

PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 5:28 pm    Post subject: Intro and my 3 dilemma! Reply with quote

Hey girls!

I've been browsing the forums for a few days and thought I would jump in and introduce myself so I can start posting with you ladies!

I have 2 little girls who are 2.5 and 4 now. I convinced myself I was done after the second and have been steadily packing up DD2's clothes and baby stuff and donating or giving to friends. But the whole time, I have been having twinges of wanting another. My husband would LOVE a boy (which I don't blame him for, I would be sad to not have a daughter). So anyway, we've been tossing around the idea of having 1 more. We would wait until my little one was 4 to try so that the girls would be around 5 and 7 when a third was born.

I'm glad we have some time to consider b/c I feel like my feelings on a 3rd change every day! Or multiple times a day.

Reasons for wanting a third:
-Try for a boy (but I'd be happy with a third little girl!)
-I love babies so much and it makes me sad to think of not having another.
-I think that my girls would be awesome big sisters.
-My second girl doesn't feel like the baby!
-My kids make me so happy, I would love to extend that time.

Reasons against having a third:
-Financial - this is my main concern really and a big reason we'd wait till the girls were school age - less daycare! I work part-time and get off in time to get a school-age kid off the bus. However, I recently got my job after being unemployed for a year after a layoff so needless to say, our finances took a hit and we are still in catch-up mode - which is hard to get out of with paying for double daycare right now! We are on track though.
And I work for the state which comes with a pension and my hubby has been at his company for 12 years so we think its very stable and a promotion could come at some point in the near-ish future.

-Do I have the patience to be a great mom to 3? Or would it be better for me to just focus my all on my girls? I dn't want to shortchange them by adding one more and then not being able to handle it. I do think I could handle it with that age spread though.

-My age. If we went with that plan (and we'd not be ready before that!), I'd be 36 when I got pg and 37 when I delivered. Not so bad, but I do have that little nagging worry that something could go wrong and I don't know if I'd be strong enough to handle it. And there's that feeling of "pushing your luck" since I have 2 healthy gilrs.

-The usual sleepless nights/toll on relationship with DH. My hubby is great father and husband, but he is very into sports and hobbies and spends quite a bit of time on them. We've dealt with some resentment and issues but at this point, we've come to a good place where I'm fine with the amount of time he spends. But I'm afraid those issues would crop up again with a new baby and I don't want to be sitting home alone with 3 kids while he is off playing sports. I don't want to ask him to give it up b/c its his thing and what makes him happy, but it does worry me.

The space/travel/car issues are not an issue for us. We are not big travellers and we have a family beach house less than 2 hours away so we have plenty of space there for beach trips. We have a 4 bedroom house so plenty of space for another and our cars are sufficient to fit the kids.

Anyway, will look forward to your thoughts and joining this community! I'm sure I will be flip-flopping like crazy until its time to make that final decision! I have to say though that when we talked about this plan, I got so excited and have been thinking about it a lot. I think it could be awesome.
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to the group! I hope you find a lot of support here.

I have three girls...9, 7.5, and 4.5. Honestly, now that my girls are older, I don't think having 3 is much different than having 2. The financial part is probably the hardest thing for us. As the kids are getting into activities, it's really expensive. My youngest is in her last year of preschool...thank goodness!! Only two more preschool payments left!! Once she starts public school next year I think it will really let us start paying off some of our bills. We don't have a lot of debt, but a little bit that's been hard to pay off because I've also been going back to college part time.

If you are really excited about the idea of a 3rd, I think that's enough of a reason to move forward. :)
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mommy2-2



Joined: 24 Jun 2011
Posts: 234

PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 1:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome!
I can't be of much help as I've been on the fence for 2+ years now, but just wanted to welcome you to the group. One thing I have found here is that there is always someone who has wondered, struggled, questioned, thought, or worried about whatever it is you are thinking and you're not alone! =0)

Good luck in your decisionmaking!
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kkimbrell



Joined: 11 Jun 2010
Posts: 192
Location: Snellville, GA

PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 11:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

welcome! I have three: ages 1, 3, and 4.

I know others here have also said, and it has been my experience, that adding the 3rd was the easiest of them all. I guess I've kind of felt like we had to adjust our lives with the addition of the first two b/c it was such a radical change, but by the time our third was here, it was more like he became a part of what we were already doing.

DH and I were already experienced and were much more relaxed with him and also I don't know if it's just b/c he's probably the last and we know now that things don't last forever (meaning the sleepless nights WILL end) but we've really been able to enjoy him more than our other two. I have appreciated all those wonderful parts about the baby stage more this time around and had a lot more patience for the harder parts like teething, sleeplessness, clingyness, etc..plus your older two will be older at that time and easier than they are now.

If the financial concerns are your biggest and you can alleviate a good bit of that by just waiting, then that's a plus.

I can understand your concerns about the affect the added stress may have on your relationship with Dh. I would see that as a red flag if he wasn't wanting another and you felt you were convincing him of it, or he was only going ahead with it for you. But, if he's also wanting another, and you have already talked through these issues and are both aware of them, I would think that if/when they come up, you work through them again. It almost seems to me like if you are making a decision based on the fear that one of his issues might come up again then you're taking away his ability to be responsible about them on his own. and what if you end of resenting him down the road b/c you didn't have one?

Now if he had said to you, "honey, I really want to spend a good amount of time on my hobbies, and I don't think I will be able to give as much to you and the kids if we have three"...then I would see that as a good reason to not add another.

Hope some of this helps as you're working through things!
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2Princesses



Joined: 23 Feb 2012
Posts: 14

PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all the thoughts and welcomes! I really appreciate it.

Its funny, since we introduced the idea of 3, I feel like we have both reverted back to that fun, hopeful young time in our relationship (we've been together for 16 years!) where we talk about the future and all the possibilities to come. Yesterday we were hashing out baby names and talking about not finding out the sex next time. Its all so fun and exciting! I guess I will just enjoy this for now, and see if things change over the next year or so.

As far as the DH issue, he is on board (maybe even more than me!) but I know for my own peace of mind, we do need to talk about my expectations for his level of involvement with his hobbies. He has promised to give up his own sports when he can start coaching the girls, so maybe it will be a non-issue by then (although DD1 is not looking to be an athlete!!). Anyway, we shall see. I keep thinking for some reason that things won't necessarily go so smoothly for us as they have in the past. I know that's a morbid thought, I seem to be one of those "guilty" people who thinks that if life is going well, the other shoe is going to drop! I need to get that out of my head so I can have a positive experience if we go for it.

Thanks again! Off to put my two little ones to bed. As an aside, is anyone else going through the "Terrible 4s"? My 2 year old is an angel compared to the 4 year old right now!
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mommy2-2



Joined: 24 Jun 2011
Posts: 234

PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

2princesses...quick comment...YES to the 4's! It's rocked my world! My sweet girl has become...well...she seems like a little teenager and it scares the heck out of me as to what is to come! The moods and temper and defiance and "haggling". Nothing is "easy" anymore in that I tell her, if she's just follow directions sometimes, life would be SO much more pleasant for both of us! At preschool, she's an angel (according to her teachers) and at home, she can be, when she wants to be and those times are GOLDEN, but if not, watch out! I try to be consistant and firm, while loving, but it seems like she's just trying to find her independence and with that comes the "Everything is a power struggle". When does that get better? 30???
(My 2 year old is a typical 2 year old little boy...mischievious as anything, but cute as a puppy!)
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kkimbrell



Joined: 11 Jun 2010
Posts: 192
Location: Snellville, GA

PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="2Princesses"] Yesterday we were hashing out baby names and talking about not finding out the sex next time. Its all so fun and exciting! I guess I will just enjoy this for now, and see if things change over the next year or so.

Sounds fun! Just enjoy it all. How long from now would you try and get pregnant?


As far as the DH issue, he is on board (maybe even more than me!) but I know for my own peace of mind, we do need to talk about my expectations for his level of involvement with his hobbies.

I think communication is the key. You can get through anything together if you just keep talking!

[/quote]
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2Princesses



Joined: 23 Feb 2012
Posts: 14

PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

mom2-2, wow sounds like we have similar age kids and thank you for relating! I read that behavior goes in 6 month spurts, which makes sense for DD1, she was so good the first half of the 4s and now she's exactly like you said, a little teenager with plenty of attitude! We are starting to take things away for her behavior b/c she is just not getting it. Last night she freaked when I let her little sister color on a paper that was "hers" and went nuts. I took her to her room and she had such a tantrum that she missed her swimming lesson. Its hard to take that away when I paid for it, but I couldn't reward her when she was acting like such a brat. She even yelled out "I hate you" which was a new one here. We had a looong talk and today she promised to listen all day. She is good as gold at school too, has never gotten in trouble, which I hear is a good thing - it means they feel comfortable enough around us parents to let loose with their emotions. Lucky us ;-)
My 2 year old has always been more laid back and even tempered and has never had tantrums like DD1. Which I am hoping means it will never get quite like this with her! I'm sure she will have other issues up her sleeve for us, but at least she's not so dramatic!

And kkimbrell, you are right, communication is key and something we need to be better with. I usually hold it in till I blow up! Not good. The tentative plan would be to try when our little one turns 4 so about 18 months from now. Seems so far away! It DH got a promotion or something, we may try sooner, its pretty much financial-based (and sanity based!)
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My youngest is almost 5. I have to say, as far as the 4 stuff, just learn to pick your battles. I've found that usually by the time the kids are in 1st grade or so, they return to the human side. :)
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StrwbrryMmmy



Joined: 20 Jan 2012
Posts: 87
Location: British Columbia

PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="walkbyfaith"]My youngest is almost 5. I have to say, as far as the 4 stuff, just learn to pick your battles. I've found that usually by the time the kids are in 1st grade or so, they return to the human side. :)[/quote]

Good to hear they lose the demon streak lol :) My 2.5 year old is an angel compared to my 4 year old now also..if this is any indication of the teenage years, omg, we better watch out! Watching their self-discovery and growing independence is fascinating but oh so frustrating at times!
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waterbabe



Joined: 28 Feb 2012
Posts: 10

PostPosted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I could've written this post myself..... similar issues weighing on my mind
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Mama Erin



Joined: 09 Jan 2010
Posts: 89

PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If financial issues are your only major concern right now, I have to say that I don't think adding a 3rd is that expensive. If you've given away all of your baby stuff, it might be a bit spendy to add a third. Or if you need daycare. I find that it makes more financial sense for me to stay home (I work about one morning a week to keep my skills up). I have cloth diapers from my DD, I made the baby's food, and nursed for a year so our third was pretty cheap. As far as having enough patience, the way you describe your feelings about motherhood makes me think you'll be just fine in this department. My older 2 drove me nuts before I got pregnant with #3 so I had some legitimate concerns about having the patience for another one. Sure, I lose my mind at times but I feel like my older two would drive me to madness with or without the third. If anything, the third softens me up with his cuteness- how can you be mad with that sweet face smiling at you. He'll have his time to test my nerves but for right now, he's my angel, my DD (almost 4- ugh!) is my biggest challenge and my ODS (almost 7) is emerging from 4 years of being my biggest challenge. Love having my third and I love the feeling of being DONE- that limbo period was torture!
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