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Still haven't made a decision about a third child

 
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AMiniMe



Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Posts: 35

PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 3:00 am    Post subject: Still haven't made a decision about a third child Reply with quote

Will someone please tell me why is this such a hard decision to make? Well, at least for us:) I'm sure some people have always known they wanted 3 kids or a bigger family. We're still on the fence. I guess the biggest thing is our fear of the unknown? We feel that life is pretty easy and balanced with our 2 boys, worried that life will be crazy and somewhat unmanageable with 3? I don't know. I sort of feel a little tugging in my heart to have a third but my husband seems to be more "let's not" than yes. I just wish we would come to a decision about this already, this always seems to be a lingering issue in our lives. I'm not getting any younger, I'll be 35 in December so I feel like the clock is ticking a little bit. Oh what to do, what to do:)
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 12:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How old are your boys? I love having three. I don't really think our life is crazy. To me, it feels more active and fun. There is never a dull moment in our house. The first few years are hard, but now that my kids are getting older it's just nice to see the dynamic between them. Mine are 9.5, 8, and 5. It's really nice, too, that if one has a birthday party or gymnastics or music lesson, the other two still have someone to play with. I think of how often when I was a kid (I just had one older sister), I'd sit at her softball games bored out of my skull. Well, when we have a long gymnastics meet, my other two kids don't have to sit there alone. Plus, the kid doing the activity has her own little cheering section. :)

I can't imagine life without three. I'd love a fourth, but dh is done. Three is nice, though. Good luck as you decide!
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AMiniMe



Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Posts: 35

PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 6:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My oldest is 4 and my youngest will be 2 in September. They are 2yrs and 4mos apart. I guess part of me thinks we should make this decision sometime soon because the age gap would already be bigger between the baby (if I was pregnant now) and the 2nd child and that makes me wonder too about large age gaps. So much to think about I guess! Like you, I only had a sister growing up, it was ok but we were almost 5 years apart, it took us a long time to get close and to really connect. Sometimes I wish I had more siblings, she's all I have, which is fine but you might understand:) I guess my biggest regret to not have a third would be just that, to look back and not regret having another blessing!
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StrwbrryMmmy



Joined: 20 Jan 2012
Posts: 87
Location: British Columbia

PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 7:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was definitely a hard decision to make. My DH was the one who was gung-ho to add a third but I was very worried about the timing, how it would change dynamics etc. I decided to just go for it, everything works out in the end. You'll never regret having another child, but you might regret not having another. I'm halfway through my pregnancy with #3, my girls will be 3.5 and a few week shy of 5 when this little one comes. I can't give you any insight yet into life with 3 but it's already wonderful with the bub in my tummy. The girls are constantly rubbing and kissing my belly, talking to the baby and talking about all the fun things they're going to do with an extra sibling. We're all so excited for this baby to arrive. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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mommy2-2



Joined: 24 Jun 2011
Posts: 234

PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good luck with your decision. I've been sittin' on this fence getting saddle sores for over 2 1/2 years now!
I can relate in a lot of ways...I'm 37, Dh is 39 and our kids are 5y/o DD and 2 1/2 year old DS. I spent my husband's entire deployment agonizing over whether or not to go for #3 or not. He has given the limit of when he turns 40 as a definitive stopping point. Therefore, July would be our last month to go for it. Talk about decisions!
My bit of advice actually...if you think you want it...JUMP off the fence and just go for it. We finally had decided a couple months ago to go ahead and see what happened, and, well...nothing so far. I thought since it was so easy with DS and DD, and because we finally "jumped in" it would happen right away. Maybe it's just not God's will afterall and I'm ok with that. Actually, as more months go by, instead of being more intensely wanting it, I'm feeling more comfortable with just my 2 and my "cons" list is gaining strength, BUT, I don't want to not try this month because I don't want to have regrets down the road, after spending so much time thinking and contemplating something, there must be something in my head or heart that does want it. So I've stopped "thinking" about all the pros and cons this month and just said, "Whatever happens we'll deal with it".
Just wanted to share...I saw a new sports med doctor just this week...for a joint problem and he happened to ask about my kids and in doing an Xray any chance of pregnancy. I said no, but that I didn't want to be on strong meds over the next few months just in case. That we weren't sure if we might be in a couple months. He made a joke about going to "zone defense" then he got kind of quiet and shared his story with me about he and his wife...same thing...agonized whether or not to go for #3. They finally did try...she got pregnant and they found out at the 8 wk appt that is was a chemical pregnancy. She got spooked (his words) and never tried again. Now, he told me, his kids are 10 and 12 and they often think how nice it would be to have a 6 or 7 year old in the house. He sighed and said they really wished they had given it another shot. As I walked out the door he quietly said, "Go for it, I don't think you'd regret it"(though he did add in...except for your wallet...and chuckled). His words have stuck with me this week. Usually you hear things like that from some women. It was interesting to see a professional man offer up that story. Just some food for thought.
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BABYPINK3



Joined: 26 Sep 2011
Posts: 29

PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 9:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

we were on the fence too. My husband was more "lets not " too! I pushed him into it... I'm now 5 weeks into having 3 kids and life is sooo crazy. there is no me or couple time anyomre and no one on one time anymore.
my kids are 4.5, 18 mths and 5 weeks. I live off about 4 hours broken sleep a night and its not like you can just catch up the next day because my 4.5 yr old doesnt nap anymore and expects to go to playgroup, parks etc...
It has put a big strain on our relationship and for that reason alone I wish we had of stuck to 2 kids. But then I cant imagine not having our third child in our lives. she is truely so beautiful. And before I was pregnant with her I just couldnt shake the feeling that someone was still missing from our family.
I have been told it does get easier though and I can see myself enjoying having 3 kids, once I'm getting enough sleep again.
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mommy2-2



Joined: 24 Jun 2011
Posts: 234

PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Babypink3,
Just wanted to give you a virtual hug! I can't imagine having an 18 month old and a newborn alone, let alone a 4.5 year old too!
I just wanted to tell you that I see several people on my street with kids around the same spread as yours...and their kids are now all in school, or maybe the youngest in preschool, and they seem to be having a lot of fun. It's one of the things that keeps me on the fence. My next door neighbor has 4 great kids...the youngest is around 10 now I think, and they're always doing fun things, the kids help out in the yard, driving the others to activities, etc. and they seem very happy.
Sleep deprivation is horrible... a form of torture that they won't allow for prisoners, but Moms...we're fair game. I'm not in your shoes, and probably won't get there, but wanted to give you a high five, a "good job" and "Hang in there!"
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nata



Joined: 19 Apr 2010
Posts: 297

PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It took me more than 2 years to decide, so yes, i do relate..we also have 2 boys, and i turned 35 when we finally decide to go try for the 3d..We have 3 for almost 11 months now, I don't know if I can "recommend" you to go for it or not..Life certainly did not get easier since the baby is there. More planning, more organizing. More stress. Our boys are older (8 and 5) and we were already enjoying all the "benefits" of the kids who are getting more self-sufficient, easy to travel with etc. Now we are back to diapers...I am 37 now and I am physically exausted from getting up several times per night (the baby is teething..she has been teething endlessly since she has been 5 months old, wakes up 5-6 times per night..) It all sounds a bit negative, i think, but it seems our daughter has been there always. We can't imagine our life without her anymore. We are all getting so much love from her, so much positive feedback. For the boys adding the baby was certainly an enrichment..So to summirize, I don't regret the decision. And, it is a very nice feeling of being complete as a family, and not constantly thinking "shall we - shall we not". I was afraid I would get mentally sick at some point, hours of research on internet about the 3d kid etc..Good luck :)
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2blue1pink



Joined: 23 May 2010
Posts: 228

PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is a difficult decision.

My kids were 6 and 4 when my third was born. For me personally, adding a second child was VERY difficult. We really hesitated to add a third knowing how tough 2 was.

But, 3 is way easier than 2. I'm not sure how the math adds up, but that's the way works for us. I found with the third that I have finally found my 'mommy' groove. I knew how to coordinate multiple kids with different needs. Baby #2 had prepared me for it. The sleepless nights didn't seem as bad because I could look at the two older kids and see just how short lived it really is, (and that's coming from someone who's oldest child didn't sleep through the night until he was 2.5 years old!). I knew what to worry about (nothing) and what to focus on (eating and sleeping for everyone) and what to let go of (washing floors, worry, doubt, and other people's opinions). #3 just seemed to make everything click.

It does add a different complexity with a third. The other kids aren't babies and have school needs and their own activities that need to be incorporated. But, it is possible to add a child and have it go pretty smoothly.

I guess, I would think about what I will regret more, trying or not trying. I was talking with 5 women at work yesterday. 4 of them said that they wished they had had more children. The 5th woman has 6 children and knows she's not 'done' yet.

Good luck.
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2blue1pink



Joined: 23 May 2010
Posts: 228

PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, forgot to add that my kids are currently 9, 7, and 3. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
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BABYPINK3



Joined: 26 Sep 2011
Posts: 29

PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 3:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the hug and high 5.

Oh I just wanted to add the two other hardest things for me about having number 3 are:

because it was mostly me that wanted number 3, my husband constantly reminds me of this when we are having a very hard night with no sleep. and so because of this the work load of the third child weighs mostly on my shoulders. Husband only took 1 week off work this time, and will only do a dreamfeed at night ( will not get up at 2 and 4am to help)

And Rather than making decisions that are best for the baby I am finding myself making decisions that are best for the whole family now. E.g I had to give up breastfeeding because I was soo sleep deprived I couldnt handle it anymore so I have put her on a formula that will gives us all the most sleep at nights. this was the advice I was given by my nurse because it was the best solution for our family as a whole.

But if your kids are older, I think this will be alot easier for you because your kids will be in school. I wish I had of waited, but I just didnt think I would get my husband on the fence again in 2-3 yrs time.
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Pepper100



Joined: 12 Jan 2009
Posts: 142
Location: Hull, England

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 9:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I decided that I wasn't done with 2 when DS1 was only 3 months old. DH only ever wanted 2 and as it was what we agreed on, the decision took a back seat for a while. When DS1 was 2 we talked about it again and it took me 8 months to convince him that it was a great idea (and he still wasn't 100% sure). For him it was a case of him not wanting another was less than my want for another. He didn't want me to regret it and blame him.

After 2 m/c's, I finally became pg and DS2 is now 10 weeks old. DD is 8 and DS1 is 4 and they love him to bits. DH has since thanked me for being so persistent as he loves his new son.

We decided to change our car to a 7 seater as I often babysit for my sisters children and when I was 3 months pg we moved house to a 4 bedroomed place with a bigger garden. I have found that most things have just slotted into place. DS2 is only waking now once during the night or sometimes sleeps through from midnight til 6 which I class as all night as that is when I go to bed and get up anyway. Yes, there are things that are harder. The laundry is more and getting all 3 ready and in the car to take DD to school in the morning is sometimes a challenge especially if DS2 decides that he is hungry just before we leave. None of these are anything though compared to how I feel when I see my elder ones snuggling up to their new baby brother.

DH helps a lot and when I do have a bad day, he hasn't flung the fact that the 3rd was my idea in my face......yet :-).

Only you know whats best for you but I'm so glad that I went for it.
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2blue1pink



Joined: 23 May 2010
Posts: 228

PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pepper, that is so sweet that your husband has thanked you for being persistent.

I really had to work mine into having a third as well. It was a similar situation where I wanted it more than he didn't want it so he eventually gave in.

And I agree completely with the laundry issue. I don't know how laundry seems to be so much more of a chore with three kids instead of two, but you're right. It's sometimes overwhelming just to get everything washed and put away. I have finally made my peace with it, but I do wash 2-3 loads every other day just to keep up.
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