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How do I convince DH to have a 3rd???

 
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Wishingfor3



Joined: 31 Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:39 am    Post subject: How do I convince DH to have a 3rd??? Reply with quote

I am new to the forum but have loved reading all of your posts. I am a mother of two. DD is almost 4 and DS almost 2. I really, really want to have a third but my husband says he is really done with two. He argues that he would rather be able to provide really well for two than stretch to three. I also think -having seen how stressed he gets when the two are acting up that he may struggle with the stress of three. I am an only child and really want my kids to have siblings to rely on throughout their lives. For some reason families of three that I have had contact with throughout my life just seem to 'work'. We tried doing the pros and cons thing but there is no way you can make another baby look good on paper like that unless you heavily weight the pro of creating a new life against cons of less money, less space, less time for other kids and each other, more stress. Every time I see a baby or a pregnant lady at the moment my heart aches. It is putting a real strain on out relationship right now and I would love any advice on how I might convince DH that whilst there may be short term pain that it would be worth it. Help Please!!
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2blue1pink



Joined: 23 May 2010
Posts: 228

PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 12:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Persistence and patience, but don't pester (lots of Ps, lol).

My DH was done with 2, and we've been ttc #4 for quite some time.

Getting him to agree to ttc a fourth was supremely difficult.

I started talking about a fourth while pregnant with my third. He finally agreed when she was 3 months shy of 2 years. So. . . it took me 2 years to convince him.

He really didn't want another. We argued about it many times.
Finally, I told him that our family size wasn't completely up to him. He doesn't get to decide that for himself, we have to decide together. Him saying that he refused to consider another was equivilent to me saying that I was going to have a baby every 2 years regarless of what his feelings are. Eventually he understood how important it was to me.

I kept telling him that I was asking him to go from 3-4, not 0-4. He has a good idea of what's in store. We had experience to let us know that going from 2-3 wasn't a real change in our lives. Sure, it meant another baby and they're difficult, but it's short term. Hopefully going from 3-4 will be just as smooth.

I basically do all of the child care, so it will only really only affect him when I work on the weekends (I work part-time, every 3rd weekend). My mom watches my kids during the week while I work, so we didn't have day-care costs concerns, which would probably be a deal breaker for us anyway.

Baby care is just really hard for him, but I think after 3, we've learned that it's basically just that first year you really struggle. Everything gets easier after that.

Not sure if that was helpful. Good luck.
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mom_of_two_girls



Joined: 09 Aug 2010
Posts: 12
Location: Montreal, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh my God, I totally could have written that post! I've been in the very same situation since DD2 was 10 months old. DD1 is almost 4 and DD2 is 2.5 yrs old (they're only 14 months apart).
I've been trying to convince my husband to have a third for a year and half. Trying to explain him my strong desire... my idea that our family isn't complete etc etc....

We had a few arguments but we're now able to talk about it a little more easily. It's hard for me because when he says that he's done, my eyes fill up with tears... I wrote him a letter last fall and he understood a little more (for a man that is.. I think they can't quite get it like us) and he agreed to keep all of our baby stuff for now.. That was a huge step. Having had 2 pregnancies in 2 years, I had 70 pounds to lose, and I've almost lost 50 so far.. That's where I put my energy these days, hoping that he'll finally agree...
his main reasons : money , less time for himself (but I do most of the baby stuff), 2 more years of having a baby to carry around so less possibilities to travel and do stuff.....
I keep telling him that the baby stage doesn't last forever....

so right now, I'm just trying to enjoy my life, and I avoid the topic... still hoping he'll come aroung *sigh*.. I know how hard it is, every time I see a family of 5 or a pregnant woman, I get a little sad..
So not much help here but I totally hear you and you're not alone *hugs*
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AMiniMe



Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Posts: 35

PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My husband and I have had the discussion about 3 kids for quite some time. He was more on the fence about it and was more "NO" until recently. My reasons were that I have always wanted a larger family (just me and my sister growing up).

He said he is not looking forward to going back to the baby stage yet again with lack of sleep but I said how temporary that is and it does go very fast! Blink of an eye and they are crawling and our baby is about to walk very soon!

I am also a full time SAHM so I do most of the care and meals. I'm the one with them ALL day, lol. I also do their laundry myself (sometimes he helps fold but not often!) and I make/take them to all of the doctor's appointments and that sort of thing.

I guess he finally caved in and agreed that we could have one more child. Overall, we both agree that we do love our kids so much and that children are a joy and a blessing! Plus, I also feel like that I don't want to look back on my life when I am older and regret not having that 3rd child and always wondering about it. Sure, this might be a little challenging for us, we like having even numbers as we are right now but I know we both can do this, so many others have 3 kids or more and they just make it work out somehow.
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thinkingof3



Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 349

PostPosted: Sat Aug 06, 2011 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can you give it a little bit of time? I had to talk my hubby into a third, and since I wanted to adopt a third, I had to talk him into that too. It as something I 100% wanted and just decided that me not having a third would hurt more than him having another child to love on!

Now, I want a fourth and I find myself losing that battle. Half because I am not as adamant about a fourth as I was for a fourth and half because he is very adamant about not having another lol.

The reason why I ask if you can wait a bit is because a few months ago I was really on my DH's case about a fourth. And now just a few short months later I'm coming around to being done. So maybe if you give it time, YOUR feelings will change. And if not, then maybe in that time, his will :)
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Sat Aug 06, 2011 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My dh didn't have to be talked into 3, but we have been talking a lot about #4. A fourth has been on my heart for so long, and he just hasn't wanted to budge. Lately the door has cracked open just a bit. One thing that really helped was when I asked him to honestly consider if having another child would be more regretful for him than not having one would be for me. After he thought about it for awhile, he said that he realizes having another wouldn't change his life all that much. We're already responsible for children, so we can't just take off on a whim and do whatever we want. We already figure that it will be a struggle to pay for college and that the kids will have to help out by getting jobs and contributing. We already deal with many sleepless nights (yes, even at 8, 7, and 4 our kids have bad dreams, pee accidents in the middle of the night, can't sleep, need a drink, etc. etc.), we have sick kids to take care of sometimes, we do a lot of running to school and activities. Another child might add a little to that, but I don't think child #4 will add as much work on top the pile as child #1 did. It's just cooking a little bigger meal, doing a little more laundry, having a few more activities, paying for one more movie ticket, etc. So, dh's life won't drastically change, and he knows that he would love another child as much as our first three. He has started to understand that the regret I would live with without our "missing" child would be on my heart forever, and he would be over the adjustment of another child within a couple years.

The hardest part is keeping the conversation open without nagging. If it was up to me I could discuss it 24/7. I really do bite my tongue A LOT. Good luck! :)
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thinkingof3



Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 349

PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 5:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

waklbyfaith, so glad your DH is opening up to the idea! That's wonderful to hear. Is your DH around a lot? Mine works long hours and doesn't come home until after the kids are halfway done with their activities. So for example, Joey plays flag football and practices 3 nights a week, games on Sundays. Carmela is starting fall travel softball soon and that will be practice two nights a week and games on weekends. Juliana, so far, is only doing dance which is Thursdays (same nights as football practice and CArm's softball practice). Since I have no DH until 7 the earliest and everything starts at 6, I am on my own trying to find a way to get 3 kids to 3 different places. Two of which is literally on the opposite ends of town!

With this said, I will NEVER turn my kids away from organized sports. I played softball and I just imagine it now if my mom didn't let me...it was my outlet for so many things and kept me a lot cleaner during my middle school years than I would have been!!!!!

So while I want a fourth, I just wonder how I would juggle it all!
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kkimbrell



Joined: 11 Jun 2010
Posts: 192
Location: Snellville, GA

PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would say...how do you resolve other conflicts in your marriage? and follow that strategy. As we all know...with men, it doesn't help to harp on and on about something, as hard as it is!
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thinkingof3, I'm fortunate that my dh is around a lot. His job is flexible enough that if he has to he can leave work by 4pm, or if the kids have a program during the day he is allowed to work from home that day. So in that way, we have it easier than some other families. But, many of the kids activities start right after school, so I do at least the majority of the running, and then he might stop over later or if an activity starts later sometimes he'll go to that one. We're also lucky that with all three of our kids being girls, they do a lot of the same activities. Our middle daughter is old enough this year that her schedule is exactly the same as dd1's. Last year they were on two different schedules and it was tough. This year they'll each do gymnastics two nights a week and dance one night a week, and then they'll have a gymnastics meet one Saturday per month from Feb. thru May. DD3 is usually on a different schedule but I can pick and choose her schedule a little more easily. On top of it all, I sing in three different choirs and am starting back to college part time this fall!! If dh had a less flexible schedule it would definitely be harder for us.
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOW you ladies sound busy shuffling kids from one activity to another!!! We used to do that, but no longer enjoyed it...so we gave up pretty much all the scheduled activities...including taking a break from their karate class they did for over 6 years. With my boys being 13 and 15 here in October....they just were sick of having to run around all day, so was I. My DH is always around so luckily I always have help even when I did run the kids here and there. As time wore on though, my boys began to be more like DH and I...wanting to be home more. Neither DH or I ever gave our parents a bit of trouble and I grew up doing mostly no activities. I was the type who was so active that everyday year round you'd find me outside, still am that way today. So I'd find things to keep me occupied and since I was such an easy child....me getting into trouble was never going to happen..I was too much of a goodie too shoes....LOL (laugh) Kinda still am today, though I am a rebel in other ways....my savior Jesus hanging up on one many walls in my house and pictures of my pet lizards on the others. :-) I can say I am a self-proclaimed weird woman and wouldn't change it!

I DO think though its good for kids to do something though. For us, its all about health/fitness/exercise....we do our usual 200 miles per month of bicycling and then threw in 20-30 miles of walking on top of that for the month of July. So who has time for anything else!!!! :-)
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Wishingfor3



Joined: 31 Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank-you for all of your wonderful posts and support. I thought I should give you an update. After another emotional plea and yes I admit a little more nagging we started TTC this month! Not sure if the timing was right - guess we'll just have to wait and see. If not I will just have to hope that DD doesn't change his mind again before next month! At the end if the day I think it came down to the same reason some of you had given for why you DH gave in - he realised it was going to hurt me a lot more not to have a third than it was going to hurt him to have one. He is still not 100% thrilled with the idea but I am hoping that will change if and when baby 3 arrives. So.....I will keep you posted but hopefully number 3 is now one step closer for us. Thanks again and again I must say how much I love this forum.
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What a great update! Best wishes as you go for #3! I love having 3. :)
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mommy2-2



Joined: 24 Jun 2011
Posts: 234

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's great news!
Keep us updated! (I'll live vicariously through you!) :lol:
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mom_of_two_girls



Joined: 09 Aug 2010
Posts: 12
Location: Montreal, Canada

PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, you're lucky! How did it happen exactly??
For me, it's the opposite.... I think that at this point, only a miracle will make him change his mind...
I cannot even explain how sad it makes me and I think that he really can't understand :( I love my husband but sometimes I wonder how I'll be able to get over it, to ''forgive'' him... It's hard. I will suffer for years because of that and he'll be enjoying his life the way HE chose for our family...
and since we can't have half a child, I'm most likely the one who will lose the battle ...
Congrats, I hope it'll work soon and that you story sends me a little luck here even if the chances are extremely low..
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