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First scan tomorrow and wishing I wasnt pregnant.

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Joined: 26 Sep 2011
Posts: 29

PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 3:33 am    Post subject: First scan tomorrow and wishing I wasnt pregnant. Reply with quote

Okay I'm 8weeks and having my first scan tomorrow. this is going to sound terrible so please dont abuse me for saying this but I would actually feel relieved if there was no heartbeat... god I feel bad for saying that.
I was always 50/50 about having a third and we took the leap of faith and just went for it and first month trying boom I'm pregnant. and it seems ever since I saw the positive test that I wish I wasnt pregnant with number 3... Now I decide that I wish we had just stuck at 2. I feel extremely bad for feeling like this because it was me that wanted number 3 and DH was never on board until the last minute when he changed his mind.
i could never terminate the pregnancy, and I'm sure I'll love the bub when I see the first scans and when it comes along but at the moment I'm hanging onto the chance that i might have a miscarriage and we can just return to normal life of just having the pidgeon pair family of 4.
has anyone felt this way? Is it my hormaones playing tricks on me?
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Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Posts: 391

PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 5:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Obviously, I don't know you well enough to say for sure, but you might just be very fearful of the unknown that comes with having a third child. Sadly, I lost two pregnancies/babies (one at 10ish weeks, one at 17 weeks) in our attempts to have a third. I, too, became pregnant after the first try each time and, although we had long contemplated having another child, I wondered, "Is this the best move for our family?" After losing those two babies (which were the two worst experiences of my life thus far), I knew I still really wanted another child, so did my DH and so did our older two children. (Our third child is now 9.5 mos and we all LOVE him to pieces).

My point is this...I think you are just scared to upset the balance you now have, but know this...having this third child will be one of the most glorious, wonderful things to happen to your perfect family of four. I will be praying for you to feel peace and contentment so you can enjoy your pregnancy without any guilty feelings. Hugs to you.
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Joined: 03 Aug 2009
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 1:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do...you can't change your feelings. It may take awhile to adjust to your new reality, but it will get to a point where you'll need to accept that it is what it is, and at that point, you can't look back. While having two kids is wonderful, as you say, the perfect pigeon pair, three kids is wonderful as well. There's nothing quite like a perfect little trio. Think of all of the big milestone events that each of your kids will go through in their lifetime, and how comforting it will be to have a sibling on each side of them. I feel so peaceful when I think of the support my kids will be able to provide for each other if one of them goes through heartache in the future...if one of my children ever goes through a divorce, or cancer, or the loss of a best friend, they will have a sibling on each side of them to hold them up. And oh, the great milestones...having their own children, graduating from college, buying a home, they'll have a sibling on each side of them cheering them on. My kids are truly each other's best friends. I used to worry and worry that a trio would be so much "less than" a pair, that someone would be left out. But it hasn't happened that way. There might be times when they gang up on each other, but the alliances often shift. Any pair of my three girls get along great. And all three together get along great. They are each other's biggest supporters. It's so neat that when dd1 has a gymnastics meet, the other two are in the crowd clapping and screaming her name. Just yesterday at preschool dd3 learned to write her name, and her big sisters were so excited for her. DD3 just absolutely BEAMED when they were praising her and saying what a big girl she is. And when dd2, the little clown of the bunch, starts acting silly and goofing around, her sisters just laugh and laugh. It really is the sweetest thing ever to watch the bond between them. I call them my little tornado trio. Three is a magic number. You'll see.... <<hugs>>
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Joined: 23 May 2010
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm just not sure what to say, to be honest.

I've been ttc for over 16 cycles now, and infertility is horrible. I would give anything to trade places with you.

On the other hand, I did have an unplanned pregnancy once (which is the closest I could compare to your experience). My second child. My first was 15 months when I got the +hpt. I wasn't sure how it was going to work out, but it did. I can't imagine my life without him now.

I'm sure it's just fear that's making you feel this way. There's nothing you can do now, and pregnancy is a long 9 months. You'll have time to adjust and bond to that precious little life you are carrying. I know that I went from being shocked and scared to being excited and thrilled.
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Joined: 01 Apr 2010
Posts: 319
Location: WY

PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's ok to feel this way. I could've written your post a few months back, all the way down to the "hopeful for no heartbeat". I am 35 weeks and still coming to terms with the fact that we have a BABY coming to live with us (my perfect family of 4) very soon.

I've had a very sickly pregnancy, which also didn't make it any easier to feel like we'd made the right decision. I puked and lay in bed. I lost weight and worried about contractions causing pre-term labor (which would make us responsible for a special needs child, etc...) It's taken a lot out of me and a lot away from my boys- ages 8 & 6.

All I can say is this is what I've learned: Don't beat yourself up about it. Feel what you feel. You already know that you will eventually grow to love this baby if it is meant to be, and if not- you are already "protecting yourself" for its loss.

Don't try to "make" yourself feel anything... it won't work, only adds guilt! And on the lines of guilt... although I DO empathize with those who struggle with infertility... don't let their struggle make you feel worse about your struggles. They, too, could someday end up w/ a BFP that makes them wish it hadn't worked out! It really can happen because we don't really have full control of our emotions no matter how much we think we do! Add in some hormones... and, well....???

Realize that some of it is fear of the unknown- remember how afraid you were when your 2nd was on the way and you weren't sure you could ever love another as much as your 1st? This is happening in a different form w/ #3. You fear imposition on your "already-perfect" family, but now you can pull from experience to accept that your love is capable of overcoming this! Your family can expand & grow to love another.

I have accepted that we made a choice to try- and were blessed with a baby that we will all learn to love at our own pace. We don't know what to expect or how to feel- but we are all open-minded and ready-as-we-can-be for the journey.

My guess is that your baby will be beautiful and will thrive- and that you, like me, just need time to get used to the new normal it will create for your family. Let it go to God or whatever higher power you trust in- and everything will work out like it is supposed to.

Good luck and keep us posted!
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Joined: 26 Sep 2011
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 4:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just want to thank you lovely ladies for not judging me and really being supportive and so understanding. I know it would have been easy to make negative comments about my post so I thank you so much for all being so positive.
I do not have any friends who have children so the only people I can chat to about this are people on this forum and you ladies have all offered some TERRIFIC advice and words of wisdom. THANK YOU.

Well my scan went well. Baby is measuring perfect, and heartbeat is very strong. I got a lovely picture of bub so it definately all feels real now.
wyowyome some of the things you said really struck home for me.... I do remember how I felt when number 2 was on the way and how i wasnt sure I'd love anyone more than my first. I'm sure this will be exactly the same.
Its a relief to hear that others have felt the same as me and i do think it is just fear related.
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Joined: 01 Dec 2009
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Location: Australia

PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know what it is about the third. The first one is all consuming and exciting, the second one is just expected and the third one, there are no cliche's or excuses to have one, you either have an accident or you definitely want one because you want one.

We were just discussing this topic on another forum where a lady was feeling not unlike you and was extremely dissapointed in herself. This is probably the least excited I have been about all my pregnancies. Although it took me nearly 3 years to decide to have a third, now that its happened I do question whether I am going beyond my capabilities, but I know I will have to let some things go and things will change. I know I will be fine once the baby is here but I am really sick of my body letting me down with constant m/s. It is starting to ease now but man it can send you into a depression, because its so constant and having 2 other kids to look after makes it that much harder.

I am not as excited as I feel I should be, but I am positive this will change in the future, once I get my head around it and can feel the baby move.

I know some people who have taken years to conceive and then haven't bonded with the baby once it has arrived, apparently its not that uncommon, this then sends them into depression because even they can't believe they feel this way after all that effort. I have a friend who rang me on the phone crying her eyes out telling me that she was pregnant with her third, it was the worst thing that could ever happen in her life, she had thought about getting rid of it but couldn't, it was bad timing etc etc etc. She had the baby and now has 4, it ended up being the best mistake of her life. Not saying that this happens to everybody but it goes to show you never know what life throws at you or why but sometimes it pays off.

I think its the fear of the unknown, its not a little change its a big change and you have to get your head around it. Some people slip into parenthood easily, some have to work hard at it. Your fear is your defense mechanism.

I am glad the baby was good and healthy, you will get there, and hopefully each day the overwhelming feeling of having a third gets smaller and smaller.

@walkbyfaith - loved loved loved your post, that is exactly what I needed to read, what you wrote is what I dream our family will be like, and am scared the reality won't measure up. So glad its going well for you.
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Joined: 05 Nov 2007
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Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2011 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

YOu're brave to be so honest. I felt the same at times w/ #3 and definitely now with my 4th (very much planned) pregnancy. Thinking to myself "why couldn't I just leave well enough alone?" Now that #3 is past diapers, past the stroller etc it's no big deal! I know I will feel the same with the fourth. Hoping you will too.
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