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How do you let go?
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mamajam



Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 5:52 pm    Post subject: How do you let go? Reply with quote

....of your desire to have another child?

Backstory. I've lurked, this is my first post obviously. My husband and I have two beautiful little girls 2.5, and 1. They were unplanned.
It's not that we never wanted to have kids, its just that we got pregnant much earlier in our relationship than we'd planned to and so when it happened it was stressful, controversial etc. There was the question of whether to have an abortion, which I didn't obviously and I'm so glad! When my second daughter was born, she was not planned either (conceived by accident 4 months after DD1 was born). I suffered from Post Partum Depression, and had a rough first month with her which involved me going back to the hospital and asking for help with my depression. It didn't require medication, just a bit of talking with other new moms and I felt much better by the time she was 6 weeks. Fast forward 1 year. My youngest is now 1 year old....I've hit my stride with the 2 girls and am loving being a mommy. I'm starting to become broody and beginning to think that if I wanted to have another child, next year would be the year to do it. Except DH doesn't want any more.... We had originally thrown around the idea of 3 but now that he has the 2 that we have he's done. Sometimes he seems to be entertaining the idea when we discuss it, but now he's shut me down completely. And it's not even just the usual "Finances,...attention..." etc argument against having another. It's that I complained SO much the first time being pregnant (of course, I feel silly now but it was unplanned and I was still in college). And he's worried about me potentially experiencing PPD again. He insists that our relationship barely made it through these times, and he's convinced it will be round 2 of the same thing. I feel like it will be totally different.... I would LOVE to experience a PLANNED baby :( Of course I can't predict the future and promise not to have PPD, but it's unlikely twice in a row right? I just feel like I ruined my chances of having a large family like I wanted by complaining too much the first time... If I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't complain about the Hyperemesis I swear!

It seems like everytime I turn on facebook another one of my friends is pregnant by their husband or TTC and I'm so jealous... I know it's irrational but I'm starting to feel like everyone else has something special with their husband that I don't have, and will never get :( Like he doesn't want to have a baby with me because of ME not because of the baby!
I want to be able to let it go and just be happy with what I have, but it's really upsetting me. Its affecting our sex lives too because now we're so afraid I'll get pregnant on accident (which obviously I would be thrilled about but very alone in that sentiment).

I guess what I'm asking is, how do I move on?
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

IMHO, you really can't move on. You need to truly get to the point where you know that you know that you are ok with "just" 2 kids....obviously I am not completely there myself yet and I have been in this same spot since my youngest was a baby...he is 13 now! I am finally though getting to the point....that I am sick of being "stuck"...for me its no longer about more kids and more now about how unfair it is to ask ME to continue to put my life on hold as I have been doing that now for a LONG time. Obviously for you, it's not the same situation. But the only thoughts I have for you is to think about what you want, and IF you want to stay stuck forever as I have on this subject. I can honestly tell you It has been an exceptionally hard road for me to want what I want, have to wait a decade, now have my DH on board and I am ready to stop finally, more out of pure exhaustion. I think its important we as women kind of decide how long is too long to wait for something...for each of us its a little different. For me my absolute cut-off is age 40 which I will be by this summer. If something doesn't give by then, I will need to CHOOSE to move on and get some peace back, finally! Figure out how long you are willing to wait to have a 3rd child....maybe you can wait a bit longer and your DH will come around...anything is possible. I think its good to put a time on things....say a year or 2 or to a certain age. Not that if God tells me to say adopt a child say in my mid-40's I wouldn't do it...but my feeling is I can't stay stuck FOREVER, nor is it healthy for me to do so. If I can tell anyone out there my advice on more kids..is that, there will always be a better time to do something, but not always the time to do it....time runs out....days run out....life changes...opportunities happen at crucial times in our lives and sometimes come around again, and sometimes never come around again. Of coarse, everyone of us is different...but for me I have been having a meeting with myself daily at times IF I want to continue on. For me, 2012 needs to be my year to move on...and be happy with whatever IS....Good Luck!
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2blue1pink



Joined: 23 May 2010
Posts: 228

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, hun.
I wish I could tell you something to make the desire go away.

My circumstances are a little different, but I'm also looking to make it go away. We have 3 kids. DH refused to ttc a fourth, even though I felt a fourth was missing. We argued for months. He finally relented. We've been ttc for 18 months now. I've tried drugs and IUI, and they've failed.

At this point, I feel like the desire to have another baby is stalking me and I obviously can't do anything about it.

I'm afraid it will be with me until menopause.

I would love for it to go away, but I don't know how.

Maybe therapy? Maybe time? Maybe nothing will help?

I don't know, but I can tell you that you're not alone.

Sorry you're struggling.
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think time really helps. I really, really wanted one more. My dh didn't. I tried for years to talk him into it. He stood his ground. I finally realized it wasn't going to happen. I have really tried to live in the present and enjoy the kids I have. In about 6 months, my youngest will be 5 and I will be 40. That feels like such a milestone, and as I get older I find my desire for another baby is really going away. It almost feels biological...I used to drool over babies and think they were so cute. Well, now that my kids are getting older and independent, I just don't think about babies in the same way. Last night while waiting for my kids at gymnastics practice, a little 15 mo. old kept coming over to me and saying hi and grabbing my stuff. He is one of the cutest babies I ever saw. But I was ANNOYED. I realized I really have no desire to go back to that stage anymore. Every once in awhile I wonder what it would have been like with one more, but I feel like I'm truly done family building and excited for the next decade where I get to just enjoy raising my kids.
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kkimbrell



Joined: 11 Jun 2010
Posts: 192
Location: Snellville, GA

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Am I assuming correctly that you are on the younger side mentioning you recently were in college? if so....just give it some time. Maybe your DH will warm up to the idea and putting a little space b/t the kids will give him more confidence that you will be fine. I know for us having kids so close in age really IS stressful, more so than I think it would have been having a little more time b/t them, but b/c of my age, it was the way we decided to do things. If I were younger when I started though and could have spaced them more, I think the decision to add another would be much easier for us. I know that's hard to say when you really want another, but I would just give it a little time and revisit the topic in 6 months or so.
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh good grief, after reading kkimbrell's post I realize I should have read the original post more carefully. I agree with kkimbrell...you are so young. I would keep revisiting the topic with your husband GENTLY maybe every 6-12 months. And in the meantime when you are obsessing (because you absolutely will), you can vent here.

The perspective I gave you of feeling annoyed with toddlers and no desire to go back to that stage was the perspective of a grumpy, tired, old lady. HAHAHA!!!!!

<<hugs!>>
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mamajam



Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="kkimbrell"]Am I assuming correctly that you are on the younger side mentioning you recently were in college? if so.....[/quote]

I am young. 25. I wanted to return to med school once the kids were in kindergarten so having them close together, even though it's been stressful at times has been more ideal as far as condensing the "baby stage" so that I can return to grad school, and then the workforce. I know I have years and years left on my uterus but I don't want my kids to be spaced far apart. I was 5 years older than my sister and was so irritated by her because I felt she was a "baby" up until she was maybe 18. I always wished I'd had siblings that were close to my own age, and a large family. At least my daughter got a sister close to her own age, since it looks like my dreams for a big family are through... :roll:

I just feel so rejected, like I didn't do a good enough job being a mother to the first two or something. Or like he doesn't have enough love left to make another baby, or maybe he just doesn't want to do it with me. Who knows. We've never planned to have a baby. It makes me feel like he never wanted any of us.
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Mama Erin



Joined: 09 Jan 2010
Posts: 89

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I second the girls who said that time is on your side. You don't have to make a decision now. You don't have to mourn the idea of never having another child. Unless your DH wants a Vasectomy, you don't need to even discuss it. You are still in the trenches with 2 small kids. Men are just not built like women when it comes to managing the stress of raising children. Add to that tough pregnancies and recoveries and I probably wouldn't want to talk about more babies if I were him either. I've been where you are (wanting another baby) and I know that it can be all-consuming. But, you have to rely on your husband to put the brakes on when he senses that something doesn't feel right. Maybe he's overwhelmed. Maybe he's worried about you. If he's a good husband and father, I would try and respect his opinion without judgment (or reading into it) and give him some time to get settled with the family he has (it really hasn't been that long). Really, give it some time. Going back to school for your masters with 3 kids is a LOT to juggle. I can barely handle 5 hours of work per week. Good luck!
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am so happy to hear you are so young. Just today DH and I were talking about how we could quickly boost are savings or ablility to save for an adoption...the savings are coming together very slowly and time is not on our sides. I will be 40, DH will be 43 this July. I never thought I would be MY age with teen boys STILL wanting to expand my family. I know the reasons I didn't ttc a 3rd, but still its hard to wonder if what I want to do will EVER be! With your situation time is on your side.....a huge blessing in your life is that you have many more years to STILL have another child. Many things can happen in a decade, your DH still may want that next..but for him the timing isn't right. I am sure he loves you, but just is overwhlemed.

I look back at the last decade and want to ring my cute DH's neck sometimes....why did it take him THIS long to FINALLY be "ready"..I mean did he not realize HIS age, MY age? Yikes....why can't men get it? But you know what...they don't FEEL the inner desire for children as we women do..they will never truly get it as in every man there is a little boy who just wants to be free to have fun and indulge HIS inner child! Just wait patiently and he may come around!
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mamajam



Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just don't want to start over with the whole "baby" phase again once the girls are both in school. And I knew as soon as I mentioned it (going back for my masters with 3 kids) you guys would think I was nuts, but I've always been the type of person to easily manage twice as much work as most people.

As it stands, we are at an impass. I had an IUD placed after our second daughter which I've had problems with all along. It actually recently expelled itself and I'm waiting for an appt with the OB to get back on the pill. I'm scheduled for 3 weeks from now, and even then it never reaches full effectiveness for a cycle so we both know we are unprotected essentially for 2 months. Not trying.... but kind of secretly hoping he'll jump my bones in a moment of weakness and I'll get my wish :oops: :lol:
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walkbyfaith



Joined: 03 Aug 2009
Posts: 499

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 12:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think it's nuts to go for a master's with 3 kids. I had completed a master's and two years of a doctoral program before we had dd1, and now just this semester I started back to school in a completely different field just to pursue my lifelong dream. It's actually fun to return to school as a mom. I have a different perspective. You can do it!
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 5:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with walkbyfaith..you CAN do it. I think whatever you set your mind too you CAN accomplish. My feeling is that getting a good pair of ear plugs and using them...LOL will help with the naysayers and allow you to stay positive and focused. So many people are always ready to jump in and tell us what Can't be done and its up to us to BELIEVE, KNOW and TRUST that we CAN do what God has called us to do. Just keep on the track you are on and ANYTHING Is possible. Good Luck!
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2purpleflowers



Joined: 15 Jul 2007
Posts: 497
Location: Los Angeles

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="mamajam"]I just don't want to start over with the whole "baby" phase again once the girls are both in school. [/quote]

You may find you feel very differently 10 years down the line. You are still really young, and while I can totally understand where you're coming from, the years of motherhood really change you in ways you can't imagine right now. It DOES make a lot of sense to have your kids young, all at once, and then go back to school. I had a similar plan; I thought I would go back and do my doctoral degree (got my masters right before getting pregnant with DD1) after my kids were in school. Here I am, though, 7 years and three girls later, and I'm not even sure that I want to go back and do a doctoral degree in my chosen field, and am even considering instead going back and having a 4th child, even though we're finally getting past the baby and toddler days of our 3 girls.

Right now, TBH, it sounds like there are some pretty big obstacles getting in the way of having more kids. It sounds like your DH may really need more time, and having two kids, unplanned, so close together at your ages is a huge strain on a relationship (heck, it's a strain at any age). It sounds like there are some feelings of insecurity in your relationship as well, things that could really become problems if you have another child before you're both ready. You really could wait a few years and do it again if the desire is still there. Maybe you'll go back to school, finish, and have another later when your DH may be more willing. You really have time on your side! So much could happen for you and you really don't need to "come to terms" with not having any more now. This is really a decision you can put on hold for quite some time. You and your DH could agree to discuss it again in X amount of time, and in the meantime, you can go ahead with your plans to go back to school. Enjoy your girls, build your relationship with your DH, and do some things for yourself, and see how it all plays out.
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mamajam



Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="2purpleflowers"][quote="mamajam"]I just don't want to start over with the whole "baby" phase again once the girls are both in school. [/quote]

You may find you feel very differently 10 years down the line. You are still really young, and while I can totally understand where you're coming from, the years of motherhood really change you in ways you can't imagine right now. It DOES make a lot of sense to have your kids young, all at once, and then go back to school. I had a similar plan; I thought I would go back and do my doctoral degree (got my masters right before getting pregnant with DD1) after my kids were in school. Here I am, though, 7 years and three girls later, and I'm not even sure that I want to go back and do a doctoral degree in my chosen field, and am even considering instead going back and having a 4th child, even though we're finally getting past the baby and toddler days of our 3 girls..[/quote]

I appreciate your response. I do have to say though, that I get tired of being told that I am so young and our relationship is unstable or yet to fully mature. We're not teens. I know amongst "older moms" 23 is young to have a child but even if I had've planned my daughter I wanted to have one around 25 anyways. (Not so far off, my timing). Also, I feel that if we're counting unplanned pregnancies and youthfulness as relationship handicaps, if anything two young married people surviving 2 unplanned pregnancies and having a happy thriving family should be a badge of stability within the relationship. We wouldnt've survived those first years if we weren't deeply in love and committed to keeping our family together. I thought... who knows, maybe I'm naive.

I see where you're coming from about going back to school, but I don't want to wait several years later and still be debating this question. I'll have wasted quite a bit of time I could've been achieving another degree, in turn furthering my career and bringing in more income for the household. I've already had my education interrupted once and it was extremely hard to get back on track with a new baby. I can't imagine starting grad school (or deciding to go to med school), getting a couple years in and then having 3rd. Wait a year or so.... go back to school. (Now we're say, 8 years from now... I'm 33, still in school...still paying back college loans slowly and not reaping the benefits of a great salary). :(

What I do know is that I physically am NOT having any more children 10 years from now. In my spare time I play roller derby competitively, snowboard, model and design clothing. So not only do I not want to start over chronologically with a 10 year old, 9 year old and a baby I also want to get my body to a place where I feel like it's "Mine" permanently... After two C-sections and an appendectomy in 3 years it took me a full year to get back to the level of fitness I desired. I look at my body as kind of a "project", and if I'm going to use it to make a baby one more time I'd rather do that sooner than later. Just me...

One more thing, because I'm sure you all already think I'm both naive, crazy and conceited 8) I've always wanted to get a boob job when I'm done having kids. Being an overplanner, I wish I knew if we were done or not so I could plan for it.
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mamajam



Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="walkbyfaith"]I don't think it's nuts to go for a master's with 3 kids. I had completed a master's and two years of a doctoral program before we had dd1, and now just this semester I started back to school in a completely different field just to pursue my lifelong dream. It's actually fun to return to school as a mom. I have a different perspective. You can do it![/quote]

Thanks for the faith, I have seen some of your posts about completing your degree and it's seriously an inspiration!
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