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New and losing it

 
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beachymama



Joined: 23 Oct 2008
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 12:48 am    Post subject: New and losing it Reply with quote

Hi, I am 7 weeks pregnant with #3. We have two girls, 7 and 4. It took a while for us to decide what we wanted to do about having another, for a variety of reasons, and even then we didn't quite "decide" - it was more like let's see what happens for a month or two and if it's meant to happen it will. Well, bingo, first try and #3 was on the way. I have told very few people, partly because I have some medical issues and want to be sure it's a keeper before I spill the beans... and partly because I've been more ambivalent than I ever expected to be. Morning sickness hit HARD last week, so I guess it could be related to that and other hormonal issues, but lately all I can think about is the things that will be harder, and the relatively simple routines we have now that will be "ruined" by having to work around an infant. The other day I literally cried over a Disney World commercial because I thought, a few weeks ago we could have said "let's plan a trip, yay!" and now I'd have to either go pregnant and sit out of most of the fun or bring a baby and hope naps, feedings, etc, don't make it tough for everyone else to have a good time.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone and perhaps I'm just completely insane... but I can't help wondering if any other moms in my position have felt this way. I'm terrified that I won't snap out of it and that if this baby carries to term it will always feel like a thorn in my side no matter how hard I try to bury those feelings. Please respond if you have anything you'd like to share, I'd really appreciate it.
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lovingmy3boys



Joined: 03 Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Location: massachusetts

PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 6:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is actually weird that you specifically mentioned Disney World. I thought the exact same thing. My first 2 were 8 and 5 when my third was born. My kids couldn't care less about Disney or anything else. They are sooo in love with their brother. I got pregnant on our first try too, after chickening out multiple times. When I first found out, I was thrilled. Then I went through an "Oh shit" phase. I thought "what did we do", and all I could think about was how it would mess everything up. I assure you, it only gets better!! I couldn't imagine life without Thomas. And everyday my oldest son tells me he is so happy we had Thomas. The feelings of uncertainty will go away. You will find this baby will fit into your lives, it just happens. Good luck and CONGRATS!!
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 6:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its perfectly normal to feel like the freedom you have will be lost! I was thinking of a biological third for awhile and as each passing year went by and my boys, now 12 and 10 got older, I began to think..if I do it now..we will lose the fun lifestyle we were beginning to have. So I put a third out of my mind, NOW I look back and wish I would have decided on a third sooner, but frankly I wasn't ready. I have decided for now to pursue an adoption for that reason among my MANY health issues as well. I have realized that for us it would be harder to have an infant now, but I haven't ruled it out yet..strange as they may seem. We are going to see how the adoption thing works out and then go from there. We may end up adopting and be happy with that, or getting pregnant again, both or if God says NO, it could be neither. I just have realized that though it will be hard to go back to any child out of my boys age, If God intends us to have another, it will happen one way or another. I believe strongly that once you have your new baby, that baby will have 2 older siblings and will grow up faster and get used to all that activity. I am the youngest of many, many siblings and I grew up faster and became more sociable and portable because as the littlest of the family, I wanted to be like my big brother and big sisters. You will be surprised just how your new baby will adapt. It doesn't mean that you won't ever feel like geez...what have I done..but for me, I know if I were younger, healthier and able bodied, I likely would have had 4! Then I wouldn't feel like the younger child wouldn't be a hindrance but just another "SET" of kids to have fun with. But with my health, I couldn't do that! :-( So I keep the option open of another 1-2, whether they be biological and adopted or just adopted. I think for you, just being honest with how you feel, will make it easier to get excited about your new baby. Dealing with losing one lifestyle to something different is the first step to accepting and then looking forward to a new normal. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty for HOW you feel...its going to be an adjustment and you will many times re-think why you did it. But in the end, you will NEVER regret having that new child...just think, it may be harder now..but later in life, you will have more family around and many more grandchildren...Good Luck and God Bless! Remember, God DOES have a plan and he will work it all out for you!
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2kiddosintx



Joined: 05 Jun 2008
Posts: 97

PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

my kids are 3 and 5...will be 6 and 4 when my third comes...and those were my thoughts...down to the WDW trip! I am 14 weeks, and have those days I still feel like that, but I *hope* things will work out and I am sure they will...for both of us!

We had been on the fence for MONTHS then finally decided we were good with two, then somehow (of course) I got pg. I was very upset, but it has subsided now. I think it's normal to have that reaction...I hope you feel better about things soon!
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worrywart



Joined: 20 Aug 2007
Posts: 28
Location: MD

PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I feel the same way you do. I am 9 weeks pregnant, we debated it for over 2 years, and tried on and off for a year-- I kept deciding after trying that this was crazy and I didn't want another child, but then by the time I got my period I always wanted to try again. I don't know what my problem was or is. Now that I am pregnant I have periods of happiness about it, but mostly wonder what I was thinking and how I am going to deal with all of this, whether our family will still be happy, whether the baby will be healthy, etc. My kids will be 6 (almost 7) and 4 when the baby is born, so I do worry about the spacing-- will the last one feel left out? Also, I think it's hard to have another one after so much time. I didn't want to be done, and yet sometimes I did. I will also have just turned 36 when the baby is born (my husband will be 37), and I spend an awful lot of time thinking how old we'll be when they go to college, graduate from college, etc. It's funny how that part didn't really bother me when I was considering it. I just kept thinking that I didn't want to be 39 and still going back and forth about it and then start trying.

So, I can't offer much hope about it getting better, because it hasn't yet for me. I am very sick-- throwing up and everything, which I have never done before. The other two pregnancies I just felt nauseous all the time. So I don't know if that affects my mood, or if I feel sicker because I feel so conflicted. Mostly I just tell myself that once the baby is born, if it is healthy (which is something I'm obsessed with this time, unlike the other two times), that of course it will be great and it will be the new normal and we will adjust, and in a few years I will be so happy that I made this decision. But right now it's that very awkward time where you realize everything's about to change forever, and you're not sure you want it to.
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lovingmy3boys



Joined: 03 Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Location: massachusetts

PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stupid Disney World!! :D
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onthefence



Joined: 11 Jun 2008
Posts: 89

PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I have to laugh about the Disney World thing. We got pg on our first "winging" it month after many months/years of debating (like most of you). As luck would have it, we had already promised/planned to take our girls to Disney this coming June.....so it looks like we'll be going with an 8 week old as well--YIKES! That said, we thought about pushing it back or going while I was pg but I think it may be easier to deal with a baby who needs little stimulation/entertainment then a toddler who wants to run away all the time. I pray everyday that I get an easy-going baby this time!! We'll also be bringing family along to help with the baby so I'm hoping to not miss out on all the rides :(. I have to agree though that now that this little shrimp is moving inside of me my doubts about having him/her have pretty much subsided. And my girls have remained so positive despite my sometimes negative stand point (this will be really hard to do with the baby, etc). I think it all works out in the end and whatever we're left with becomes the new normal. I know my family vacationed a lot less when my sister (the 3rd) came along and I was in my pre-teens but we could have cared less. We just adored her! :)
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only2be



Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 47

PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Beachymoma: I completely identify with what you wrote. We talked about three for what seemed like forever. When we finally decided, we said we'd give it only 1 month of trying. We got pregnant immediately, and all I can think is that this little girl was meant to be. I was so happy when I got that pregnancy test back, I can't even tell you. However...

I was a little ambivalent during all my pregnancies (after going insane with wanting another child so badly), and it was worst with the last. I had much, much worse morning sickness with my third, and I was stuck having to be the mommy for two little kids at the same time. It was so hard! Sometimes it was too hard. On days like that, I would tell my husband I was not having a three-kid-day.

Now that there are three, I'm learning that there is a new definition of the word "hard", as in "Oh, three little kids...that must be hard." In fact, sometimes it's impossible. It's not possible to simultaneously meet the needs of two crying kids (or worse, but rarely) all three. I have to figure out who to take care of first. Someone has to wait. Ugh. I hate to see them suffer even a little, so that rips my heart apart. However, I had those experiences once I had a second baby, so if you have two, you know what I'm talking about. It just happens more often when there's three (as far as I have experienced, that is).

Most of the time during the day, I need to be doing something for someone else - not me. So at the end of the day, I'm pretty wrung out.

But there are good days too, days I could call three-kid-days (or even four, if you can believe it! But we are definitely done now). I still have two-kid-days though. Like when they are all sick - definately not a three-kid-day! Or I've been up all night with the baby.

But when the older ones practically knock each other out of the way to go see the baby when she wakes up, or when Mason says "I love baby Paige" everything seems so right with the world.

More than that, when I look at Paige, I can't believe what a tremendous thing she is! She's a real person! Here in our house! A new little baby, learning everything, growing so fast... When she smiles, it feels like the world stops turning and time stands still. I'm so excited to see her grow up, make friends, tell me stories, and learn to make sense of her world.

Each of my kids is at a different stage, and they are all so interesting and adorable (most of the time). I wouldn't change a thing, really. Even if sometimes I tell DH that I think we should give one of them up because we have too many kids with too many needs! I'm just kidding, trying to get myself to laugh about how hard it is sometimes, because it is occasionally awful. But mostly it is just so special and completely perfect.

The thing is, I have really forgotten all about how horrible it was for the entire 9 months I was pregnant. I don't hold it against the baby at all because it's simply not a fact of life for me today. All I see each morning are my three amazing children, smiling at me and giving hugs (and occasionally fighting and throwing tantrums, but you know how it is). I'm really very surprised about this, because the pregnancy was so bad that I was sure it was a mistake. I don't know how your life is going to turn out, but if I had to bet, I believe with all my heart that this little baby will surprise you with how happy he or she makes you. You will completely forget this part, and all the sacrifices you will have to make to plan around a little baby will seem like nothing compared to how wonderful it is to have this person in your family.

Please write back to us, and tell us how it's going! I would be so happy to hear what you go through, even if it's awful because it reminds me of where I was just a year ago now.

Renee
Mom to Mason (3), Jake (almost 2) and Paige (3.5 months)
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beachymama



Joined: 23 Oct 2008
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 6:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all the kind replies, I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's very scary to feel that you might be upsetting the balance you've worked so hard to achieve in your life. I'm still struggling, but also hoping a lot of the depression and frustration has to do with being so damn sick. I can't wait for the M/S monster to return to the depths of hell where it belongs. :twisted: Luckily my DH has been hugely helpful and supportive around the house and with my girls. I will try to keep checking in, it's hard feeling so awful but I'll do my best. Thanks again!
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rhysjglimmer



Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 121
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too funny! I guess we all want that famous disney trip for our families. We were planning to go next summer when our sons were 3 and 7, great ages to go I thought! SO, now that we will also have a newborn I'm like how are we going to do this? Put it off another year?

Then, I thought well maybe my mom can keep the baby for that weekend. Then I thought NOPE my baby will go no matter how much trouble it causes. I don't care about roller coasters anyway :)

I think sometimes I think what if we hadn't done this too, I guess everyone does? Once I see the little baby though, I know that won't matter. I haven't looked back w/ my other sons!
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melicovas



Joined: 05 Nov 2007
Posts: 145
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi there; Ive been off this site for a while; Just had my 3rd in July. Have a 4yr old, 3 yr old and now 4.5 month old. ALL WHO ARE FREAKING OUT: Please hear this- I love that third baby with every breath in my body, with every ounce of my heart.

Hbby and I both work FT and believe me it is stressfull as hell- we bicker, I yell at the kids sometimes, I have hissy fits over money- you name it. BUT TRUST ME- I well up with tears when I think oh how perfect it is with 3 and how it was SO meant to be.

When I found out abt #3 I, too, FLIPPED out on the inside. But it's OK now. Once the 4th month got here, I started sleeping some, lost some weight.. I dont know how to explain it but it's perfect- our imperfect life is just right. (OK.. give me 5 minutes and I'll be stressing all over again about something)
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