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jaime28



Joined: 28 Jan 2009
Posts: 191

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 8:19 pm    Post subject: New - Any advice on 2 to 3 Reply with quote

Hi All,
I am new to this board, and first off, let me say it looks amazing. I can't believe I happened to find it.

As many of you are (were) I am a proud mama to a DS (4.5) and DD (just 2) When we had her and ppl asked, DH always said "we're done, we have one of each". I, on the other hand always felt sad about this statement and tended to follow up with "yes, we're done, if things were different, maybe" -always ending it with a sigh. No more being pregnant, babies, siblings made me sad, but I always tried to remind myself to be greatful for what we already had!!! and trust me, I am! In the back of my mind, I kinda thought he was was right (in our case, we only know one family with 3 and would certainly be outta the "norm" if we went forward with 3....Besides, everything was great, everyone was happy, why mess with a good thing?
I found the transition from 1-2 a huge one, there were days when I thought we should have waited longer between them, but lo and behold, here we are 2 years later, fairly sane and all in one piece!!! Since we sort of made the decision to quit while we were ahead, a vasectomy was a hot topic in our household. He said he was 98% sure, and I was about 90% but he agreed to hold off until I was 105%!
About 2 weeks ago we ran into the friends that just had their 3rd (their first 2 are the same age as ours) and we got talking...They were over the moon happy and yes, while she admitted it was busy, she clearly pointed out 2-3 was easier then she thought and heck, she was already busy that the the 3rd just had to fit in, lol!
DH and I talked on the way home and all of a sudden he blurted out "If we want three, we should do it?"
I was shocked and brought it up again a few days later. We laid it all on the table....He said he felt like he was done after DD because it was teh logical thing to do... and that we should be content with two (always saying "who has THREE kids these days?") but he went on to say, he does love kids and loves how DD/DS interact now etc...He wants to make sure that its not just baby lust for me (of course a tiny bit is) but I truly feel like we're not done (A - we're only 28 and 30) and I love the thought of three, raising three, having another sibling for DS and DD (B - does my being an only child contribute to this need, lol?) and more so, I am [b][u]afraid most of regretting it later[/u][/b]!!!! He admits he is not ready this second (the age gap thing scares him, lol and i have to agree)

I would love to wait unitl July and go off the pill then....That way whatever is meant to be can happen and DS will be almost 6 and DD will be 3.5! We're in Ontario Canada so I get a year off Mat Leave and when/if i decided to go back both kids would be in FT school and I would only require daycare for 1 - cheaper then what I pay now beleive it or not.
Anyway, sounds like plan. Even if for whatever reason we decide our family of 4 is perfect in July, I am SO happy the BIG V is not part of our daily discussion. Too final! Now we have everything on the table, i am very happy.
I have rambled long enough, what i really wanted to ask was SERIOUSLY how hard is the transition? For any of you that thought 1-2 was trying, was 2-3 any better? Am I setting myself up for dissapointment?
Thanks so much, looking forward to hearing from you!
J.
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For me going from 1-2 was fairly easy. I think having the first was more nerve racking to be honest and my first was extremely easy. I had lots of kids around growing up so I was no stranger to all the chaos. And I adapted quickly to taking care of the baby physically but emotionally I was young and it took my brain awhile to catch up to being a "MOM". I think if we add another child to our family now, the biggest one for me as my boys are 12 and 10 will be the routine change, the age gap being huge...IMO its easier to have them close in age as whatever you do with one you can do with the rest. Though having 2 older boys will make living a breeze as I will have two very involved kids who can watch over the little one. But I think when you are ready, you will be ready. I'd rather be an experienced Mom with 3 then go back to the days where I had just the one. I am older, wiser and much more comfortable with my role as a MOM and I KNOW kids. At almost 37 this July, I have learned my life is best when I am flexible and I follow Gods lead in my life. After all I may THINK I Know what's RIGHT, but really in the end...God is the ONLY one who knows what IS right! Good Luck with everything and though things may get hectic, its a life worth living having a full happy house! God Bless!
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2purpleflowers



Joined: 15 Jul 2007
Posts: 497
Location: Los Angeles

PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi there! It sounds like our kids are the same age-- 4.5 and just turned 2. Mine are both girls, as is the 3rd I'm cooking right now. I can't tell you how the transition from 2-3 is yet, but will be happy to update when I get there. Honestly, I'm quite panicked about it lately because going from 1-2 was really difficult for me, too. It's only really recently that things have calmed down and I feel like things are pretty smooth-sailing most of the time (this pregnancy happened about a year before we planned it to, LOL-- I also was going to start TTC in July of this year).

Anyway, i can't really answer your question yet, but wanted to welcome you and say I've been there myself.
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mailecrouse



Joined: 18 Jul 2008
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I also want to say welcome! I have 2 girls as well and am also prego. My oldest just turned 3 and youngest just turned 1! I am due in June and cant wait. Some times I think I am crazy but I know that the baby will just fit right in. I thought going from 1-2 wasnt to bad. My 1st was the worst baby ever! Screemed all day and night until she was 9 months old. She is still my holly terror. #2 was the perfect baby the ones you read about! Anyway, my sister took my oldest for the night a while ago and that left me with just 1 and I was so bored out of my mind I didnt know what end I was on. So I think that going to three will be a breeze! Cant wait to also fill you in.
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happymomof2



Joined: 28 Jan 2009
Posts: 94

PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 1:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I do not have 3 children but understand all you're feeling! I am also deciding on having one more. The part that gets me the most in your post is that the youngest is 2 and we're through all the insanity...that's how I feel when I am feeling doubtful. Don't really have any real advice just wanted to let you know you are not alone!
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jaime28



Joined: 28 Jan 2009
Posts: 191

PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all your replies! I really love this forum, it makes me feel so much better knowing i am NOT alone and that other people are going through the same things!!! To 2purpleflowers....thanks for your honest reply. When we had DS, yes it was a change, but he easily slid into our lives without a hitch...I felt like I was SUPERMOM with just one child. When we fell pregnant with DD a little sooner then anticipated, I thought - hey everyone has two children, can't be that bad. Dear God how I struggled! Not in a terrible way, but I was not used to not being in control those early days, we were always late and life was hectic. To be fair we had a rough go those first 10 weeks. She got jaundice and we were readmitted, got her home and then DS got hospitalized for 6 days because of a bad stomach flu (DD was only 5 weeks old) Got him home then at her 8 week check, she was rx'd with Whooping Cough....It was terrible. All a blur with each of them so ill (vs. 2 years with DS and barely a sniffle) It was all very overwhelming and new to me....But we got through it though as everyone tends to do. And just as you said, things are now running smoothly again. I am in control, kids are great, I am working FT, we have a place at the lake in the summer etc etc. Why mess with it, lol? I guess because we're suckers, lol - and the desire to expand my family easily outweighs all the possible negatives! PLEASE PLEASE keep in touch and let me know (as all the others who are cooking their thirds) how it is when number 3 arrives. I know everyones expereinces are different, but I would love to hear honest and true stories. I was at the doctor this morning actually, I needed a refill on the pill and also some blood work done because of low iron...we were talking about contraceptives etc he asked if i wanted to switch and when I said "Well, a third is not yet ruled out at this time" he just laughed and said, heres six months worth, come back this summer for your exam and we'll chat! So all the stars are aligned, lol!!!!!!!!
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good Luck having number 3..if you decide to go for it...it will be well worth it in the end...if you can make it with 2 and then some medical issues...you will do fine with the challenge of 3 kids. I know for me...wish I would have had a 3rd 8 years ago when my youngest was 2. I regret that so much. I know why at the time I didn't do it, cause of my health..but it could have been done HAD I wanted it back then. Boy how things change..I had so much baby stuff..I mean A LOT..like 3 and 4 of every furniture item and 10 times what any child would need. (We took 3 years to have kids as DH was considered infertile) so when we finally got pregnant we bought everything, and my extended family were so excited they bought everything too...So much junk in fact that we moved like 3 times those first few years as we literally grew out of our homes overnight. Each holiday and birthday and frankly any day, we spent hundreds of dollars on both kids...we were kid happy..toy happy. Our home had a little table, one couch, VERY basic things to furnish a home and a 100 times the toys. Enough in fact that when we moved, we filled the biggest U-Haul truck 2 times just for toys! And I wish I were kidding! :-0 LOL Our friends who helped us moved literally couldn't even fit ALL the toys in our huge 2 car garage. We had to fill the garage AND the entire basement. The funny thing is that ALL the toys, etc were bought new and we were by no means rich, just nuts! When I look back, I think what person goes out and buys that MUCH stuff! Crazy! But just like the desire to have kids overtakes us as women..some of us get taken aback by the excitement of "it all." Unfortunately I got rid of everything, but on the flip side of that I was able to give lots of new moms who didn't have the money things they needed so I guess all was not wasted. But still today if I got pregnant I would buy only what was necessary even though I would want to get my last fill of the baby/kid phase! So for me, If I ever go for it again..I will look forward to the positive things of being a MOM...too many things that do go wrong, yes...but aren't kids worth it DESPITE the challenges? I get so excited for all of us who choose to have another as I feel that EACH of us is so blessed to have kids! It's exciting to hear all the stories..and the concerns too...cause that means we have a life WORTH living!
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3littlemen



Joined: 01 Nov 2007
Posts: 25

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 1:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

YES YES YES going from 2 to 3 is so much easier, we always heard that and now are living it. My boys are 5 1/2, just turning 4, and 11 1/2 weeks. Even my husband admits 2 to 3 is easier and he was hesitant about #3. As said, you are already busy with 2 and the 3rd just fits in. Good luck on your decision!
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hope22



Joined: 22 Jan 2009
Posts: 43
Location: USA

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 5:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

3littlemen-Thanks for your post! It sounds like you have your hands full but are managing just fine! Congrats on your third baby. Which age gap do you prefer, the 1.5 years between your first two or 4 years between your 2nd and 3rd? If things go according to plan, our 2nd and 3rd will be two or three months shy of 4 years apart. My first two are 3 years and 3 weeks apart. I liked that gap because ds was not as dependent on me and could play independently while I focused on dd. It's a post like yours that gives me faith I could handle three!
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 6:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For me If I go from 2-3 it will most likely be way easy....as irregardless of HOW we expand our family...DS's will be 11 and 13 this fall...so they are totally capable to taking care of themselves and are so excited about the prospect of any new sibling. My boys are short, sweet, mild tempered kids who are outgoing and talkative..so a new child...I hope is ready for "them" as they are extremely motherly boys. At our church they babysit and are in high demand as all the dozens of kids they watch, they discipline with love and care for with love. So I know a new child is going to be so wanted, by everyone in the family. Age gap wise though if I could do it all over again..I would make them close like my boys, as they are so good with each other, rarely fight and choose to sleep in the SAME room most times even though we live in a 4 bedroom house...they want to be together! I like kids close in age, though the good thing is that when we add a new child, at least I won't have an empty nest when the boys move out!
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3littlemen



Joined: 01 Nov 2007
Posts: 25

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Believe it or not, I think I liked the closer age gap b/c I feel my about to be 4 yr old gets put on hold alot and know it where as my first 2 were kind of doing the same thing for the most part, everyone got diapers changed at same time etc~

Although, the more I think about it, I am not sure, it is nice only 1 diaper to change!! :lol:
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2purpleflowers



Joined: 15 Jul 2007
Posts: 497
Location: Los Angeles

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jaime, that was how I felt with just one child, too. It was not at all a difficult adjustment. I felt really on top of things before I had DD2. I thought I could handle having 2 no problem... how wrong I was. It really threw me for a loop. I am sure I suffered a bit from PPD, looking back, but I don't think it was a full-blown case. I think it was just a really difficult adjustment for me.

Will definitely keep you updated on how I find having #3.
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jaime28



Joined: 28 Jan 2009
Posts: 191

PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

2 Purple Flowers: It's nice to know I wasn't the only one who felt like that with 2 kids. Many of my friends were on their second by that point, and ALL of them made it look like a breeze, lol! So many of them said that they struggled more with the adjustment with one, so I thought "One was amazing, I could TOTALLY do two"
Ha. What a joke?!?!? I don't know why anyone didn't tell me how hard it really was. I went from being Mom of the Year, taking DS everywhere, plane trips to Fla, swimming lessons, working FT, going to the gym, relaxed and rested to Loser of the Year with no time management, 2 screaming kids (and they were "good") a messy house and being on edge for 12 weeks straight on absolutely NO sleep. I thought HOLY CRAP what did I just sign myself up for.
Looking back, I feel like I can handle anything now lol so the prospect of three actually doesn't frighten me all that much. I think I am more sad that I couldn't tell anyone my insecurities because NONE of my friends went through it at all.
I am back up to Mother of Year status again (I think anyway,lol) The kids are thriving (and looking back probably always were, its just that I didn't have the control I needed) I work FT, DS is in Junior Kindergarten, I have every other Friday off work with them, get them day care, soccer and summer camp and pack us all up to get up to the lake every week-end in the summer. Hubby and I are great too which makes things all the better.
Anyway, I have rambled on for too long and have probably bored you. Please do keep in touch, and thanks for admitting one to two was a bit of a challenge - its nice to know I am normal.
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CAN'TDECIDE!



Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 968

PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 7:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For me my kids were easy and I did NOT struggle with THEM, BUT because I was so sick after DS 2 I was emotionally a mess! I had such regrets having any kids at all. For me there was so much pressure of being the best Mom and wife from my own Mom. She was always awesome with me growing up and is today again..but there was a period of time where I felt like a failure in her eyes. She expected me to be "perfect" and I felt I was doing extremely well but yet It didn't measure up to her standard. I was to take care of the kids, my husband, have a meal on the table and my kids were expected to be dressed up perfectly. I was so sick and young that I felt immense pressure to be someone I couldn't be and as time would go on...I realized I SHOULDN'T be. I eventually got the help for my thyroid and heart AND had it out with my Mom. I know she didn't mean to be that way as we were from different era's and she did not understand what it was like to be sick. Then I had a MIL who really hated the fact I had kids with HER son. When I look back, I have no idea HOW my "new" family survived. When I was alone with my kids and husband, it was great. They were and still are EASY and my husband did not expect me to be a perfect wife or Mom..he just wanted me to be ME. But my Mom and 1 older sister would get on him about how I should be and my one sister was the REASON my Mom DID get on me. She would call my Mom venting her frustration on how inadequate I was. This came from her turbulent relationship with her own husband who expected her to be a servant . My sister just could not understand! Eventually I put everyone in their place..I told people my life was my life and though I took a lot of garbage along the way.. they learned HOW to accept the fact that my husband and I were different as a couple! Of coarse as I got healthier things got even better, TODAY if I would live like them, they would be furious. FINALLY they LOVE How we do things...they all enjoy coming over and having my DH cook them dinner as he is a fabulous cook and they all enjoy our yearly big double parties for our kids as its a time for all of us to have fun. But when I began my life with DH..it was not that way. Even my mean MIL has come around to a degree. Things are so different, but when I look back, I realize how great things were with my new little family, they were awesome..but when I added OTHER extended families opinions...that was what almost destroyed me. I know now to not EVER listen to anyone's opinions. I may love these people but they are NOT my husband...we decide what is right. When we decide to expand OUR family, it is us who will determine that!
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jaime28



Joined: 28 Jan 2009
Posts: 191

PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To Can't Decide - Great post and DH and I went through this sort of thing too recently. Albeit different circumstances but now, a year later I can say (proudly) that DH and I stick together and as long as we're (and kids) are happy, nothing else matters.
I was raised for years (only child) by my single mother, she always worked and continued to do so even after she met/married my fantastic step father. I never saw a prob with this, I turned out fine and came to appreciate all the hard work she did for me and our family. We ate late during the week and our family dinners were always on Sundays and actually are to this day. I met DH in 9th grade and his mother was a still a SAHM....all the years dating through high school and college dinner was always on the table at 5pm and DH's dad still worked FT. When we had DS I ret'd to work without anyone saying a word, and my MIL even looked after him twice a week. She actually wanted him FT but it was in our opinons that we could afford PT daycare and it would be best for him to be with other children as well. I took another full year of Mat Leave after DD and while DH and I conteplated whether or not it would be better/worse going back to work, we realized that my pay did help us out and while daycare would be pricey for 2, there was still money leftover to pay the bills, car, etc. If I had "really wanted it" we could have managed, but I loved my independence and figured that my mom did it (and 99.9% of our close friends - it is 2009 right?) why couldn't I? MIL didn't want to help us and thought I was "insane" for going back to work. She said we were cruel and inhumane to send them to daycare and let others raise our children....she went on to say we were money hungry and selfish and at a later date I would end up regretting this decision for the rest of my life.
As you can imagine this made me question everything I did, who I was and more importantly it made me question my mothering ability. Was she right? Did she have grounds to say these terrible things? It shell shocked us and I was livid....How dare she? Did she ever realize I liked working, contributing and having my own money? I liked the idea if knock on wood god forbid anything ever happen to DH I had an education and somewhat of a career to back me up and support our children? DH defended us and our decision and she didn't speak or see our kids for almost 2 months (something I know must have killed her, despite her cranky ways she does love the kids) DH laid it on the line for her. He said if we were neglecting them, borrwoing money from her, needing help to buy diapers, doing drugs or going to the bar everynight she had a right to complain, but if her biggest concern was me working because we WANTED TO PROVIDE for our children then she would have to take a step back. It was OUR decision and ours alone and one that we felt fine with. She never aplogized, but eventually came around. I know there has been a million times since she's wanted to say something but bites her tongue which is fine with me!!!!!
In an ideal world I would work PT and have work AND my children but its just not in the cards for me. I am just happy we stood up for ourselves and I know now 100% what matters is US and not what other family members think.
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